A lot of people simply want to know the techniques that will make good sex into great sex, and you'll find plenty of those within our blog posts. But you can try all sorts of new things to make your good sex great and wind up a little disappointed. Why is that? There are two factors at play: your attitude and communication.
Your Attitudes About Sex
We start with attitude because if you have a bad attitude about sex, then you're unlikely to communicate about it effectively. Of course, some people may have a pretty healthy view of sex. If you're one of
them, you might want to skip this section.
What do we mean when we talk about a healthy attitude about sex?
- You recognize that sex (with others and yourself) is natural and healthy
- You don't judge others or yourself for your sexual preferences (as long as they involve consenting adults)
- You recognize that having great sex can take work
- You proactively take charge of your sexual healthYou don't prioritize your partner's pleasure over your own
- You have sex because and only when you want to
Many of these ideas are tenets of the sex-positive movement, and while it's gaining traction, it's harder to shed "sex negative" thoughts than you might realize.
If you've been taught your entire life that sex is scary or risky, that your sexuality belongs to another person (such as a partner), that your pleasure is less important than someone else's (often true for women), that sex is your duty, that sex should only be for procreation (thus sex with yourself, multiple people, using birth control, or with a same-sex partner is immoral), that you shouldn't be interested in sex or any of the myriad other things that society impressed upon us, you might not look so favorably on sex.
You may have spent much of your sex life having mediocre sex, perhaps dealing with pain or discomfort or partners who don't care about your sexual pleasure. You might not be familiar with your anatomy. You may never have learned that sex can be good for you. It may be something that you simply grin and bear until it's over. Or you may have felt coerced to say "Yes" to sex you didn't want.
None of these things is helpful if you want to have a happy and healthy sex life, and several of these attitudes can get in the way of your pleasure and fostering greater intimacy with your partner(s).
How do you change attitudes about sex?
It's certainly easier said than done. You might start by examining how those attitudes have harmed you. You might finally admit your real desires and fantasies.
It also helps to learn more about sex whether that be by reading books, listening to podcasts, or attending lectures and sessions. There are so many resources available if you want to learn. You might be surprised how much you didn't know, but it's not your fault. Society often hides sex in the shadows.
Sex positivity can include talking to people about sex. We don't mean just your partner; although, we'll get to that in a moment. We mean friends, siblings, parents, and anyone else whom you might know. Recognizing that sex is healthy and natural and something to be enjoyed enables you to talk without shame. Knowing this can encourage you to speak to your doctor about any sexual problems.
One particular person who may prove helpful is a sex-positive therapist who can help you work through long-held beliefs about sex that are not longer aiding you. Although some professionals may be sex-negative, the right therapist can help you experience your sexuality more fully.
Let's Talk About Communication
Once you've got a healthy relationship with sex, it's time to consider your relationships with other people (unless, of course, you're sticking to solo sex).
Many people have the type of sex they think they should have, which might be good enough, but may not scratch every itch. You might want to try something such as bondage or spanking instead of just having "vanilla" sex. You may want your partner to pay more attention to your clitoris during sex or find yourself wishing that foreplay took longer.
These are all valid desires and, in some cases, are quite natural. If you're a woman, you've dealt with sex that prioritizes a man's orgasm. Even men might be surprised by how much better good sex can become once they talk about it.
Some people might think that talking about sex is silly. As long as it's good enough, why do it? After all, it's such an awkward conversation to have.
While that's true, it sets limits on your sexual experiences. Talking about sex means you can describe your fantasies, ask for what you want, talk dirty, and get to know your partner better.
There are a few things to keep in mind when talking about sex.
- These conversations don't have to be tense or a "big deal." Keep a light tone and use humor when talking about sex. Just make sure the humor isn't at the expense of your partner.
- Don't assume that the response will be negative or a rejection. Allow your partner to surprise you.
- It's usually smart not to have a conversation about sex in the middle of sex or right after because this may come off as criticism.
- Start the conversation when you know your partner has time for it and not when they're busy or distracted. You can let your partner know that you'd like to talk about sex when there's time.
- Try not to have conversations where your partner will feel "trapped." This means that conversations in a vehicle might be ill-advised.
- Be prepared to hear your partner's own desires and needs when you open the channels of communication.
- Avoid blame or judgment in these conversations.
Remember that the sooner you make a habit of talking about sex, the easier it will be. If you can talk about sex when your sex life is good, you'll have an easier time should you run into any trouble down the line. These skills can also apply to other difficult discussions you may have.
Talking about your sex life allows you to explore with your partner, and both of you may find that sex gets even better by doing so. Communication is the foundation that lets you try any toy or technique you might discover.
Adopting a healthy attitude about sex and developing the skills to talk about sex can transform a good sex life into an even better one, and it can also help you improve your sex life if it's lackluster.
By: Adriana Ravenlust
Follow on Twitter @adriana_r
By: Adriana Ravenlust
Follow on Twitter @adriana_r
