Bedroom Insider

A blog about relationships, intimacy and sex toys.


Thursday, May 24, 2018

5 Reasons Why You Can't Cum During Sex

Young brunette with a sexy figure lies resting in bed
Everyone deserves to have an orgasm – or perhaps more than one! – during sex if that's what they want.  The way we teach and think about sex isn't always adequate for making this happen, however. There is any number of reasons you can't come during sex, however, and you should consider whether any of the following things are affecting you.

You're Anxious


A bout of nerves can work against anyone's orgasm and sexual response in general. Most people experience anxiety as a negative when it comes to sex; although, there are a few people who find it arousing.

Perhaps it's your first time (in general or with a new partner), you think your partner is way out of your league, you're struggling with body image, or you simply need a little more time to be comfortable in the situation. Your nerves are a wreck. Having an orgasm? Won't be easy. It might be difficult enough to become wet or maintain an erection.

Some of these fixes are easier than others. A glass of wine helps some people. Maybe you need to cuddle, make out or exchange massages to melt the nerves away. For issues such as body image and self-esteem, it will take more time and perhaps the help of a professional to work through.

When you recognize that anxiety is working against you, however, you've got a hell of a lot better odds at beating it!


You Skimped on the Foreplay


It's unfortunate that so many people think of sex only as bodily penetration (lesbians seem to be alone in defining more activities as having sex). Fingering, oral sex, and dry humping can all help you warm up for penetration, which can make orgasm even easier. Oral sex is especially effective when it comes to getting women off.

So don't rush to the finish line – if penetration is even part of your sexual repertoire. Take things slowly. Start with some sultry texts before you're even in the same room as your lover. By the time you get face-to-face, you'll want to rip one another's clothing off. The heightened anticipation is only a boon for orgasm!

You're Not Focusing on Clitoral Stimulation


This one's more for women who struggle to orgasm, but anyone who has sex with a woman (or transman) can benefit from reading it. Research finds that most women need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm. So sex without clitoral stimulation just isn't going to cut it. The same is true for ignoring the clit during masturbation.

Fortunately, the answer is simple! Rub your clitoris or invite your partner to do the same during intercourse. Grab your favorite vibrator if you prefer. Get into a position that more easily allows clit stim between your bodies (the Clitoral Alignment Technique positions your clit closer to your partner's mons pubis for more intense clitoral stimulation and Thigh Master is like Reverse Cowgirl, but your partner bends his knee, so you can grind against his thigh while you ride him), or position a pillow that you can grind against during sex.

Here's a sex trick you might not have heard of: when you're on top, have your partner place two fingers on either side of the base of his penis similar to the Spock sign. His knuckles will provide friction when you ride him!

Combining penetration with clitoral sensation is a great way to get off during sex.

You're Performing and Not Feeling


It's a wonderful thing to know that your partner is attracted to you and that the way you look, sound and feel is contributing to their pleasure and orgasm. But if you're stuck on that performance, you might not be having an orgasm. You might become self-conscious for one.

Furthermore, you might be distracted from your own pleasure. Sometimes, you need to take the helm and do whatever it is that you need to have an orgasm. Sometimes you may have to concentrate before that orgasm comes to fruition. If all your attention is on performing, you might not actually be in the moment and feeling.

It's good to think of your partner's desires, but don't forget about your own, that is, assuming you know them.

You've Never Masturbated


It's much easier to orgasm during sex if you've ever had an orgasm before. And one of the easiest ways for you to do this, especially for women, is if you've discovered how to orgasm during solo time. There's less pressure when you're on your own, and you can bring the knowledge you uncover into partner play and have more confidence that you'll be able to orgasm when you do.

Some people view masturbation as a substitution for sex, but they're different activities. You can enjoy masturbating even if you're in a relationship or regularly having sex.


You're Trying Too Hard


It might seem counter-intuitive, but trying to have an orgasm during sex might be the very reason that you cannot. This is especially true for women who have yet to have an orgasm. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to simply enjoy the sensations (and even distracted yourself a bit from the idea of orgasm) and enjoy what feels good, even if it doesn't lead to orgasm. If it does, great! If not, you still have a good time, and your sexual encounter isn't worth any less.

Discovering the reason you aren't having an orgasm is the first step to solving the problem, but don't forget to enjoy yourself even if you don't always come during sex!

By: Adriana Ravenlust
Follow on Twitter @adriana_r


Thursday, May 10, 2018

Five Ways to Use a Tenga Egg

Basket of Tenga Eggs
Tenga Eggs are probably one of my favorite “first sex toy”s to recommend. They’re small, easy to use, discreet, cheap, and disposable. They’re perfect for anyone looking to try a stroker who doesn’t want to spend a lot of money or have a giant dick tube lying around waiting for someone to find it. The use of a Tenga Egg goes far beyond that, though. They can be transformed to fit a whole bunch of purposes for any set of genitals! Here are a myriad of ways to transform your Tenga Egg.

Use It For Its Intended Purpose

Tenga Eggs are small, textured, egg-shaped sleeves that come in small easter-egg-esque containers. To use one, remove the packaging, pour some of the included lubricant into the sleeve, and pull over your penis, moving it up and down with whatever tightness and speed you’d normally use to masturbate. It’s that simple! Tenga Eggs are fun strokers because of their lack of a case, which means your hand controls the tightness.

Turn It Inside Out

For a smoother feeling, do the same thing, but turn the toy inside out. These mini strokers come in all sorts of textures (from zig zag patterns to circles) and levels of firmness, but if you find yourself less than thrilled with your chosen texture, turning it inside out reveals a smoother experience.

Trim Off the Tip to Amp Up a Blowjob

Have you heard of the Fleshlight Quickshot? It’s a short masturbator intended for assisting with oral sex. It’s open on both ends so the penis can fit through and leave the tip exposed to go in someone’s mouth. With just a simple modification of snipping the tip off of a Tenga Egg, you can have the same thing for just a few bucks. If your penis is on the smaller side, Tenga Eggs might actually work even better for you than a Quickshot!


Cut It Open for Hand Sex On Any Genitals

A cut down the side creates a flat piece of stretchy squishy textured fun to use in any sort of way you want. Use it like a different sort of stroker on a penis or place it over a vulva and use it to massage the labia and clitoris. You could even use it as a dental dam!

Stretch It Over a Wand Vibrator

Another trick for use on any sort of genitals is to turn the stroker inside out and place it over a wand or other vibrator for a new way to combine texture and vibration. This can, of course, be used on a vulva, but penises can also benefit from vibration. Try holding a vibrator against the “frenulum” of the penis, or where the head meets the shaft on the side facing your belly. Another option is to place the sleeve over the penis and then hold a vibrator against it to send vibrations through the whole sleeve.

If you’re still not sold in this wonderful little hand dandy device, might I mention that it’s only $8? One of my favorite toys, Tenga Eggs are great for sex toy newbies and pros alike and can be used in so many different ways. If you have another great Tenga Egg tip, let us know in the comments.

Happy experimenting!

By: Sammi
Follow on Twitter @Squeaky_Springs

Friday, May 4, 2018

How to Measure for a Cock Ring

Long cucumber and measuring tape
Cock rings are easily one of my favorite kinds of sex toys. They’re super simple to use and make a huge impact on basically any sex I’m having. Despite their awesomeness and simplicity, it’s surprisingly difficult to find one that fits properly. Not all materials, designs, and bodies are made the same. Plus, depending on your planned usage, your needs may vary greatly.

My first cock ring was some jelly garbage that broke after a couple stroke sessions. Luckily it came with some other toy that worked out much better. I was also lucky in that I really enjoyed what it did, despite it being cheaply made and entirely too small. It was very stretchy, though which helped a lot.

When it came time to buy my first real cock ring, I just kinda guessed at what I needed and just kinda got it wrong. I didn’t measure at all and greatly underestimated how much ring I needed to encompass everything. This new ring was a better material – silicone – but not nearly a stretchy despite its name. So, although its diameter was 3x as large normally, when stretched, the original turned out to be twice as large. From that and many subsequent test runs, I learned a few things:

Consider your materials

Silicone, while ideal for most cock ring uses will only stretch about double its normal size, while thicker banded silicone rings will stretch roughly 1.25 times its normal size. Jelly or other softer materials, while incompatible with most condom materials, will stretch up to four times the size with the same amount of pull applied. Steel has absolutely no give. Leather is slightly forgiving but, more importantly, usually features variable sizing through steel buttons. Nylon bands have lots of give but usually feature some kind of Velcro closure, which isn’t great for body hair.

Something else that’s not great for body hair, stretchy silicone and pull adjustable rings, for similar reasons. If the skin around your penis and scrotum is taught, adjustable rings will be more comfortable for you. If it’s looser, you’ll probably prefer something with more grip and rigidity.

Measuring

If you choose stiffer silicone, steel, or any unforgiving material, measurement becomes crucial. For most folks, you’ll be better off using a string than a tape measure to do this, unless the tape is relatively thin. If you know you want a thicker ring a regular tape measure is going to be preferable. You’re going to measure from the base of your penis, down the thigh crease, behind the scrotum, and back up the other side to make a complete circle.

You may be surprised by the number of inches you get from this measurement. Our genitals often have a heft and presence one only experiences through close contact. Perhaps it’s a good time to re-familiarize yourself with what’s going on down there, but that’s a topic for another time.

The next measurement, you’ll want to do is around the largest circumference of your larger testicle. You’re trying to make sure you can easily plop your testicles through a stiffer ring. If you can’t get your largest testicle through, there’s no chance for anything to fit comfortably. With those two measurements you can safely estimate a size that fits you.


Sizing 

Most cock rings are sold by diameter not circumference. The latter value is usually much bigger. So, to get a usable number, we go back to algebra one. Simply take the circumference and divide it by pi or roughly 3.14.

For me: Base of penis and scrotum 8"/3.14=about 2.5 inches.

I’ll use that sizing for general suggestions going forward.

If you’re getting an extra stretchy cock ring, you’ll want to get one closer to 2 inches. If it’s more rigid, you’ll want to try 2.25 inches. If it’s steel, you’ll actually want to get one almost exactly 2.5”. Just by applying the ring, you’ll begin to swell a bit and it’ll be easier to remove if it’s in the larger range for you. As you become more aroused, your testicles will bunch up a bit too, adding more girth and pressure.

For thinner rings, you can safely try shifting the sizes down by a quarter inch. For thicker rings, you’ll want to go up by the same amount.

Bodily considerations

As a fat hairy guy, my favorite rings are thicker, more rigid silicone roughly 2.25” in diameter. Although, as I age that diameter is a little small for my testicles, so it might be time to size up or switch to steel from silicone for a slicker/larger entryway. Something for you to consider as well, if your scrotum hangs. If it doesn’t, you’re probably going to prefer thinner or stretchier rings since you don’t have the flesh to support a thicker one.

If you have rather large testicles, make sure to find the diameter for your testicles as well. This will let you know if it will fit through the ring you choose. Keep in mind you’ll place one testicle in at a time, so if your testicle is any smaller than the ring, you’re good.

Usage needs:

How long do you plan to wear your cock ring? If it’s all day long, you’re going to need to be careful that it’s looser than normal. In fact, if possible try for the more rigid steel or silicone. Those are usually the most comfortable as they don’t press down harder or get twisted throughout the day. In this case the looseness is more that it holds its shape rather than trying to pull tight like a stretchy material would.

Is this treatment for erectile issues? If so, a smaller, stretchy ring might be better. Because they do tighten slightly over time, you’ll find it settling into a stronger seal on your erection. Yet, if your erection expands beyond what you expect, it won’t be much of a hindrance. You might also try something that only wraps around the penis.

Are you trying to create or enhance your bulge? If so a cock sling or ring with more heft to push everything forward would do wonders for that goal. If you don’t want anyone to know, opt for something smaller. You’ll still get amplified erections, but you won’t be grabbing as much immediate attention.

By: Jerome Stuart Nichols
Follow on Twitter @NotJeromeStuart

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Mutual Masturbation

Male lover takes off red panties from a woman
When most people think of sex, they think of two people canoodling around and touchin’ all over one another. When most people think of masturbation, they think of one person hangin’ out by themselves doing their own thing with their hands or toys or what-have-you. But what if I told you that these two activities are far from mutually exclusive, and are actually super awesome together? Hold onto your hats, humans and gentle-persons, for we’re about to chat about the magic of mutual masturbation.

The word “mutual masturbation” refers to the sexual act of masturbating with another person. While to some people it might sound like an odd concept (I can hear your thoughts of “But wait! Why would I want to masturbate if my mega-hot babefriend is lying naked right next to me?”), there are a whole host of reasons why mutual masturbation is the bee's knees. Here are just a few.

Feeling lazy? It gets the job done.

Most likely, no one knows your body better than you do. Often, masturbation is the quickest and most reliable way to orgasm. Mutual masturbation is perfect for those moments when you just need an orgasm with minimal effort. Instead of moving your whole body, you can just move your hand, and all while lying next to that mega hot naked babefriend.


Foreplay? Moreplay! Mutual masturbation gets things going

That attempt at a lazy co-masturbation session just might spring into a fully-fledged romp in the sheets! Getting turned on is a funny thing. For many folks, responding to arousal just brings more arousal! Once you’ve started, you may just find yourself wanting more than just your hand or toy. Maybe you’ll want a turn getting handsy with your partner. Maybe they’ll want to make out while masturbating. Maybe you’ll climb on top of them! Mutual masturbation may be just the beginning.


You can learn from one another

Watching how the other person’s hands move (or how they move their toys) is a great way to learn how that person likes to be touched. Pay attention to the details. Do they move quickly or slowly? Do they squeeze tightly or keep a loose grip? Do they make certain patterns like circles or up and down motions? Try repeating these techniques on them the next time your hands are on their bits. You might surprise them with your newfound knowledge!


It’s hot.

Have you ever gazed into the eyes of a beautiful person masturbating to you masturbating? Watching their shenanigans has the potential to turn you on, while the feeling of them watching you (and observing their reaction) has the potential to make you feel confident and sexy. Put on a show or just sit back and relax. It’s a win-win. If you’re worried you’ll be self-conscious, an option is to wear blindfolds or turn the lights out, so no one is watching anyone. Depriving yourselves of the sense of sight is a fun activity in itself and can tune you into the sound of your partners moans and the smell of their cologne (or body. Hello, pheromones!).

Mutual masturbation can be an experience just as intimate as your usual sex. Make it more romantic by gazing into one another’s eyes. Make it more dirty by performing your very own porn-esque show. Add some power exchange by dictating how your partner should touch themselves. No matter the spin you put on this unconventional yet sexy activity, communicate beforehand as always, and explore it your yourself!

By: Sammi
Follow on Twitter @Squeaky_Springs

Thursday, April 19, 2018

What We Learned About Sexuality in 2017

A couple is lying on a white bed. The girl lies on her stomach. The guy lies on it and gently kisses her. They are in the bright bedroom.
If you're not one to read research papers, you might have missed some of the studies that were published over the last year. However, 2017 illuminated both how far sexuality research has come and how far we have yet to go to understand the complexity that is human sexuality.

Orgasm


Men Still Don't Know How Often Women Orgasm


File this under “Frustrating sigh.” One of last year's surveys looked into how often women orgasm during sex with male partners, with vaginal penetration alone and with clitoral stimulation. The results aren't surprising. Women come more often with clitoral stimulation (up to 60% of the time compared to up to 30% of the time with penetration alone). In fact, women are more likely to describe themselves as having an orgasm when the wording references clit stimulation.

While men recognize the importance of clitoral stimulation to a man's orgasm, they overestimate how often their partners orgasm in both situations. Men estimated that women had orgasms between 61% and 70% of the time with clitoral stimulation, but they were even further off when it came to unassisted orgasms. Men assumed women had orgasms closer to half of the time rather than less a quarter of the time.

Women Experience Variations in Orgasm


Another study looked not just at how often women orgasm but at the quality of their orgasms and the factors that play into this. As expected, women were significantly more likely to orgasm when clitoral stimulation was involved.

77% of women said that their orgasms varied in quality. Influences that lead to more satisfying orgasms included taking their time, a partner who knows them, emotional intimacy, and clitoral stimulation during sex.

Monday, April 9, 2018

Vibrator Addiction - Unfortunate Reality or Urban Legend?

Woman sexy underwear fashion on bed
There's a sort of fear of using your vibrator too frequently or only being able to get off with a vibrator. Some people call it vibrator addiction, but can you really become addicted to your vibrator?

Addiction to Vibrators


Let's start by understanding addiction. Addiction isn't just a preference for something. It's a physiological response to something's presence, and addiction manifests as withdrawal when that thing is no longer available to you. That just doesn't apply to vibrator use (and most doctors don't even think that sex addiction is a real thing).

Instead, what people really mean when they talk about vibrator addiction is can you get to used to using a sex toy that you can't experience pleasure or orgasm from any other method. The answer to this question isn't as cut and dry, but it is far from a negative prognosis.

It's absolutely possible to get used to masturbating a certain way or with a specific item, and this isn't limited to vibrators. Guys can rely on their iron grip so much during masturbation that they find oral sex too soft to orgasm. Women who rub their clits ferociously might experience difficulty orgasming from a lover's lighter touch.

So it's reasonable that you can get used to the rumbling of a vibrator, which is unlike anything your hand or a lover's body part can replicate. The sensations are mechanical and strong, an intensity that is unmatched by a warm body. But while your body might become used to those sensations, it's not losing sensitivity.

Retraining Your Body


There's no cause for alarm, however. You may have trained your body to experience pleasure in a certain way, but you can train it to be more receptive to masturbating without a vibrator. It takes time and will power.

The first method is to simply switch up how you masturbate. Leave your vibrator in the drawer, and use your hand, instead. You may not orgasm the first few times, so simply set a timer. Relax and enjoy. Eventually, you may find yourself having orgasms without the aid of your vibrator. But you'll have to do without until you get to that point.

Some people schedule regular vibrator breaks to ensure their bodies don't come to rely on the sex toys. You might only use your vibrator every other masturbation session. You might realize that while your vibrator finds a more consistent orgasm that takes less time, it can be fun to take your time and enjoy the journey.

Alternatively, you can simply turn down your vibrator and get used to masturbating on a lower level. Moving your vibe differently than you're used to can help, as can placing a sheet between your toy and your body or leaving your underwear on during your solo sexy time.

Or you can pair your vibrator with another toy or even a partner during sex. When you are able to orgasm with both sensations, it can become easier to orgasm once you remove your vibrator.

Should You Ditch Your Vibe?


But you shouldn't think that you have to stop using your vibrator as long as you like it and it works for you. Some people reach for a vibrator because they've never experienced orgasm before or because it greatly reduces the amount of time and effort required to have an orgasm. There's no reason why you shouldn't keep using your favorite vibrator if you fall into this group.

Really, there's no reason for someone not to use a vibrator unless they want to change things up. If the motivation to use your vibrator less comes from a partner who thinks you shouldn't use it, it's probably due to them feeling insecure. If you use it for masturbation, your partner may wonder why you masturbate at all. They may worry that you don't need them as long as you have a vibrator. Partners can shame you for using a vibrator. But a sex toy is just an item while a sexual partner is a person with whom you can share a deep and sexy connection.

Plus, using sex toys together can be quite fun! Shopping for a toy with your partner might be a good way to introduce a partner to a vibrator rather than pulling out Ol' Reliable from the nightstand during your first roll in the hay. It can be intimidating for a new partner to come face to face with something that has been giving you orgasms for potentially years.

But if you and your partner can't come to an agreement about a vibrator, your best course of action might be to keep the toy and find a partner who can get down with the way you get off. Your pleasure should take a higher priority than someone's ego.

In the end, an orgasm is an orgasm. One isn't lesser than the other because of the body part you were stimulating or how you achieved it. We certainly wouldn't tell someone who can only orgasm with the assistance of their vibrator is having an orgasm that is anything less than awesome.

By: Adriana Ravenlust
Follow on Twitter @adriana_r

Thursday, March 22, 2018

Women's Sexual Dysfunction

Couple having problems

An estimated 40% of women experience some type of sexual dysfunction, including pain and difficulty reaching orgasm. Three common types of sexual dysfunction are vaginismus, dyspareunia, and anorgasmia. Living with these issues may be frustrating and upsetting, and understanding their common causes and treatments is a vital step in finding sexual satisfaction.


Vaginismus


Vaginismus is a persistent involuntary tightening of vaginal muscles (pubococcygeus, or PC) that interferes with penetrative vaginal sex. For many people with vaginismus it can also be difficult to complete pelvic exams or to insert a tampon.

The cause of vaginismus is primarily psychological, but can also involve dysfunction with PC muscles.  Many people develop vaginismus as a result of trauma or painful sexual experiences. Body image issues, feelings of shame or guilt regarding sex, and relationship problems can also lead to this type of dysfunction.

The good thing about vaginismus is that it is often easily and successfully treated. At home you can practice relaxation techniques such as calming breathing exercises. You can also purchase a set of dilators, which are smooth insertables that typically range from .5” to 1.25”. Practice using these in a comfortable environment, starting with the smallest size. Alternatively you could buy a few sex toys that you like in different sizes. Using lube is recommended as it can make penetration easier.

Some physical therapists are able to treat pelvic floor dysfunction including vaginismus. The therapy sessions include trigger point release, tissue manipulation, and biofeedback. The biofeedback helps you visualize the tightening and loosening of your PC muscles and helps you learn how to control and relax them. Some kegel exercisers like the Minna K-Goal utilize biofeedback too and are something you can use at home.


Dyspareunia


Dyspareunia is defined as recurrent genital pain associated with intercourse. Occasional genital pain is not unusual, but dyspareunia is pain that occurs consistently.

Dyspareunia has many causes, some of which can be difficult to identify. It is advisable to speak to your doctor if you're experiencing pain with intercourse, especially since it may be caused by infection or other medical conditions including endometriosis, ovarian cysts, and uterine fibroids. Sometimes dyspareunia is a result of vaginismus or weak PC muscles, of a lack of lubrication. Occasionally the cause is anatomical, such as an obstructed or thickened hymen, or constrictive clitoral hood.

Since there is a wide range of underlying causes, there are of course many different treatments. Alleviating genital pain can be as simple as using lubrication, or using lube that works better for your body. In cases when genital pain is related to vaginismus or weak PC muscles, kegel exercises and physical therapy can be beneficial. In the case of anatomical or medical causes, a doctor can assist you with addressing these issues using medication or other means.


Anorgasmia


Also known as female orgasmic disorder, anorgasmia is an inability to achieve orgasm during prolonged genital stimulation.

For some people, difficulty reaching orgasm can be a matter of inexperience -- particularly with self touch. A lack of familiarity with one's own body and preferences can make it difficult to provide the right kind of stimulation to achieve orgasm. If you don't know what feels pleasurable for yourself, partners will have a hard time knowing what makes you feel good too. Masturbating and getting to know your body, trying different things and maybe incorporating toys, can help you learn what feels most satisfying.

Sometimes the cause is related to misinformation or unrealistic expectations, especially ones related to orgasm with penetration. For example, many people believe it is easy for women to orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, but this isn't true for a majority of people. If you're not orgasming when you have penetrative sex, that's completely normal! Clitoral stimulation, whether with fingers or toys or using the coital alignment technique, is usually necessary. Again, trying different things and using sex toys can help reach orgasm during sex.

Anorgasmia can have psychological causes as well, including feelings of shame or guilt, depression, anxiety or stress, poor body image, past trauma, relationship problems, etc. Mental health or sex therapy to address these issues can be beneficial.

Medication, especially anti-depressants, may interfere with ability to orgasm. It is important to discuss potential side effects with your doctor. Use of alcohol or other drugs can effect this as well, and decreasing or stopping the use of these can lead to an ability to orgasm again.

By: April
Follow on Twitter @VivaLaSexyBlog