Bedroom Insider

A blog about relationships, intimacy and sex toys.

Tuesday, January 21, 2020

How to Communicate with Your Partner About Your Sexual Fantasies

Sex on the floor

So you've got a sexual fantasy and want it to become a reality? Rest assured that you're not alone and that communicating those fantasies to your partner can be a positive thing!

Fantasies Are Common - Some Especially So

Before you're able to ask about fantasy, you might need to learn to accept a few things about yourself. First, recognize that being a sexual person is not a bad thing. Second, remember that it's okay if you want to try something new in the bedroom and doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or your relationship. Variety is the spice of life, after all. Thirdly, recognize that your specific fantasies don't mean that you're some kind of freak.

Almost everyone has a fantasy, and some fantasies are so common that there's a good chance that you may share a fantasy with your partner. This is what sex educator and research Justin Lehmiller found when he surveyed over 4,000 people about their sexual fantasies, a first when it comes to sex research. In his book, Tell Me What You Want, Lehmiller reveals that fantasies involving multi-partner sex, BDSM/power play, and novelty/adventure were so common that almost everyone had ever had a fantasy about them. Knowing this can make talking about your fantasies easier.

If that's not enough, Lehmiller also explains how negative feelings such as guilt were more often experienced by those people who repressed their fantasies than those who expressed them and that those feelings often led to sexual problems. He also encouraged readers to express their fantasies because it gives them the power to control when -- and how -- those fantasies surface.

You don't want to be so anxious about these conversations that you assume the conversation will go poorly, which can change your tone to one that's more negative. These conversations may be important, but they don't necessarily have to be serious or stressful. In fact, they can be fun, and the results can be positive for your relationship and sex life. Being able to share with your partner can make you feel closer.

In fact, Lehmiller found that people who had shared their fantasies with their partners were typically met with a neutral or positive reaction. Negative responses weren't that common!

Sharing Your Fantasy

But just because you're ready to share, doesn't mean you know how to do that. So here's some advice.

Remember that disclosing your sexual preferences is a process and isn't completed all at once. Therefore, you can start with smaller items before divulging fantasies that might be a little more "out there." You might mention that you like handcuffs before moving on to being hogtied or intricate Japanese ropework.

While you might think that a public place is a good place for these discussions, think again. You don't want to involve other people in your discussion without their consent, and your partner might not feel as comfortable in these situations as they would in private. On the other hand, bringing up a discussion while you're in a vehicle, for example, may lead your partner to feel trapped.

The time and setting should be one when neither of you is distracted, so turn off the TV and silence your phones. Avoid times when your partner might already feel stressed or be in a negative mood. You might say something like, "Hey, we should talk about sex later," to ensure your partner isn't too surprised!

There are a couple of times that work as the perfect segue:

  • Consuming erotic media (on screen, on the page, etc.) 

  • Visiting a sex store (online or in-person)

  • Playing an erotic game such as sexy Truth or Dare or Would You Rather 

  • Participating in a question-asking activity 

It can help to wait until both of you are sexually aroused because arousal makes people more receptive to sexual ideas. However, you don't want to spring a new kinky toy on a partner during sex if you haven't already talked about it. Furthermore, bringing up fantasies after sex can come across as though you're unsatisfied.

To combat this, remind your partner why you're having these discussions. You want to explore together. You want to grow closer, express your vulnerability, and learn more about your partner. Invite your partner to share their fantasies, too. It's not all about you. Explain your partner's roles in that fantasy to remind them that they're involved.

When discussing fantasies, being specific can help. You might say that you like things "a little kinky," which can insert images of extreme activities in your partner's mind. If you simply mean that you'd like to try spanking and a blindfold, specify that.

Communicating About What You've Shared

Once you begin communicating about fantasies, you might discover a few things.

  • Your fantasies are the same as your partner's 

  • You have some overlap in fantasies 

  • Your fantasies are completely different

  • Your partner has no fantasies

Of course, the last one is unlikely as we've already discussed how common fantasies are. Sometimes, it can simply be too difficult for people to let down their guard and talk about these things.

Then, it's up to the two of you to decide whether and how to proceed. If you're on the same page, a trip to the local sex shop or some Internet shopping might be called for. These activities be a type of foreplay in their own right! Plan how you will explore that fantasy to ensure that it goes as positively as possible!

You may need to determine if fantasy is something that you actually want to act out or if it's realistic.

If your partner isn't completely on board with your fantasy at its most extreme, there may be a middle ground at which you can meet. Or you may be willing to compromise and try something that your partner wants to do if they will do the same.

Whatever you do, it's important to respond without making your partner feel judged, even if you're not into what they want to do. Bringing up fantasies only to be rejected and, perhaps, judged, can have long-lasting repercussions.

You might feel relieved now that this conversation is over, but don't forget that these discussions continue to happen as long as you have sex. You might try fantasy and feel differently about it, develop new fantasies, or try something more intense. All of these things require more communication.

Of course, once you take that first step, all the rest are that much easier!
By: Adriana Ravenlust
Follow on Twitter @adriana_r