Bedroom Insider

A blog about relationships, intimacy and sex toys.

Thursday, April 2, 2020

How to Maintain Intimacy when You're Apart with Distance Sex

Beautiful brunette woman wearing lingerie using mobile phone lies in bed take a selfie.

Whether it's an illness or a long-distance relationship, it's frustrating to be separated from partners and lovers. In the age of the Internet, there are so many ways to connect, however, and some of the tried-and-true methods of distance sex are still as good as ever! Don't believe me? Try the following for yourself!

Phone Sex

There's an entire generation of people who have missed out on phone sex because they're not comfortable with phone calls, and it's a shame. Phone sex is awesome, y'all. You get to share an intimate connection with someone that can feel quite taboo and all the much hotter for it. But you don't have to shave, brush your teeth, or even remove all your clothing. Hell, you don't even have to turn on the lights.

Phone sex combines the best parts of masturbating with the best parts of partnered sex, and now's it's time for a comeback! Thanks to smartphones and headsets, you can reserve both your hands for pleasure! So read your partner a sexy story, describe your fantasies, or tell the person on the other end of the phone what you're doing to yourself, and lie back and listen to their delectable sounds. Just make sure to wipe your phone down before and after touching yourself.

Cyber Sex

The face of cybersex has changed greatly over the last two decades. Thanks to high-speed Internet and high-definition cameras on the devices that we always have on us, you can see and hear the person on the other end of the line. So go ahead and start a Skype call or FaceTime with your boo. There are all sorts of sexy games to play via camera, ranging from Simon Says to self-bondage to erotic hypnosis. You can always stick to still photos if you prefer.

Of course, just because text-based cybersex isn't as common as it once was doesn't mean that you can't get old-school with it. Maybe it's time for the chat room to make a comeback! With so many people stuck at home, plenty of people are looking for those to flirt and hookup within the digital world, and some of these people have flocked to online dating sites. Who knows? Maybe your virtual hookup can lead to a physical one in the future!

Smart Toys

 Smart toys have become more ubiquitous over the last few years. Smart toys, like other smart devices, interface with your phone – usually via Bluetooth. You can use your phone as a remote control or hand it over to someone who can tease and titillate you, even if they're in a different room. However, this technology doesn't just improve on yesterday's frustrating remote-controlled toys.

The technology known as teledildonics allows users to controls toys over the Internet from afar, and it pairs perfectly with other items in this list. Many smart devices offer these capabilities, and some devices even integrate with your or messaging apps. Perhaps most impressive is the fact that some companies make toys that can respond to each other over the Internet when both are in use.

Get Low-Tech

You don't necessarily have to get high tech to enjoy toys when you're separated from your partner. Clone-A-Willy and Clone-A-Pussy kits allow you to create molds from your genitals and create sex toys from them, which you can share through good old-fashioned snail mail. The technique can take a second to perfect, so be sure to read all the instructions and watch a few videos before trying it out yourself. However, if it works, your partner will get a one-of-a-kind sex toy that reminds them of you!

Online Sex Work

For people who don't have a partner, sex workers are still available online. Cam girls provide a necessary connection to people who cannot find it elsewhere, not to mention release! And you can support your favorite performs via their websites, Only Fans accounts, and directly.


Of course, solo sex can still be awesome. More importantly, it can be a form of self-care during trying times. So break out the lube, your favorite sex toy, and your most reliable erotic content. If you're in a position to do so, seek out ethical porn and pay for it.

Lock the doors and slip between the sheets or into the tub. Explore your body and pleasure yourself in the ways that only you know how to do. Continue on for an orgasm or ten. Or you can also focus on the journey and not the destination.

By: Adriana Ravenlust
Follow on Twitter @adriana_r

Tuesday, February 11, 2020

More People Should Use Lube. Here’s Why.

Young couple intimate relationship on bed passion

There’s a weird misconception floating around that you shouldn’t need lube, or that if you need to use it you’ve somehow failed at sex. While a proper warm-up for vaginal sex is, of course, highly encouraged, not all bodies produce much homemade lubricant. Some body parts don’t make any of their own at all! A little extra lube can make sex more comfortable and pleasurable and can reduce pain and irritation that may be a result of sex that isn’t slippery enough. It can prevent condoms from breaking and make them more comfortable. Plus, it can add some novelty to your sex life. Lube is awesome, and in my humble opinion, more folks should be using it!

To see what might be happening inside the body without adequate lubricant, rub your hands together really quickly. You’ll feel some resistance, your hands might warm up, and if you keep it up for long enough the rubbing might get uncomfortable. Continue even longer and you’ll end up with red, irritated hands. This irritation can happen with sex, too, especially if it’s particularly vigorous. If you’re ending sex with burning, painful genitals, adding lube might do just the trick in reducing or eliminating that pain.

Some acts are pretty much impossible (or would be painful) without lube. After all, the anus doesn’t self-lubricate like the vagina does. This means that not using lube with any kind of anal play will result in a whole lot of discomfort. Saliva might work for a finger or a small toy, but more often than not, spit isn’t good enough. Lots of lube is especially important for larger penises or toys. It keeps things moving and makes all sorts of sexy activities possible and pain-free.

Lube helps with condom use in two major ways. First, it can make a condom comfier. Adding a small drop of lube in the tip of a condom allows it to more smoothly move around the head of the penis. Then, using lube on the outside of a condom can prevent it from breaking. Have you ever seen a balloon pop from too much rubbing? That’s exactly what could be happening to a condom. If the sex you’re having isn’t well-lubricated enough, it can cause friction and weaken the condom until it breaks. Using water or silicone-based lubricants can reduce this friction. The exception to this condom-helping property is an oil-based lubricant. Take a gander around the internet and you’ll see recommendations to use coconut oil as lube. While this is usually safe (although some people’s bodies don’t like it and it may cause yeast infections), oil-based lubricants can degrade the latex of a condom and cause it to break. Stick to water or silicone-based lubricants for this trick!

Of course, lube is useful for more than just making things more slippery. Some offer warming or cooling sensations to provide different experiences. Some feature fun flavors for oral sex (be careful using these in vaginas though; they might cause an imbalance of bacteria or yeast and result in an infection!). Some use a gentle numbing agent to delay ejaculation by reducing sensation. It is important to note that while this can be useful to use on the inside of a condom (some condoms come with this lubricant pre-installed); these lubes are not good for anal sex (which they’re often marketed for). It is important to be aware of pain with anal sex, and if it hurts, you should try something smaller or stop altogether. Using these numbing lubes for booty play may result in injury. That’s why it’s important to be able to listen to your body!

Lube has a whole host of benefits. It’s great for reducing pain and discomfort with intercourse, allowing some sex acts to even be possible, making condoms comfier and less likely to break, and adding something fun and new to your routine. There’s no shame in using it and needing some extra slipperiness doesn’t mean you are any worse at sex than someone who’s body just happens to produce more of its own. Most importantly, it can improve your sex life and bring more comfort, pleasure, and fun. Keep up that foreplay, but don’t be afraid to add a little lubricant. 

By: Sammi
Follow on Twitter @Squeaky_Springs

Tuesday, January 21, 2020

How to Communicate with Your Partner About Your Sexual Fantasies

Sex on the floor

So you've got a sexual fantasy and want it to become a reality? Rest assured that you're not alone and that communicating those fantasies to your partner can be a positive thing!

Fantasies Are Common - Some Especially So

Before you're able to ask about fantasy, you might need to learn to accept a few things about yourself. First, recognize that being a sexual person is not a bad thing. Second, remember that it's okay if you want to try something new in the bedroom and doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or your relationship. Variety is the spice of life, after all. Thirdly, recognize that your specific fantasies don't mean that you're some kind of freak.

Almost everyone has a fantasy, and some fantasies are so common that there's a good chance that you may share a fantasy with your partner. This is what sex educator and research Justin Lehmiller found when he surveyed over 4,000 people about their sexual fantasies, a first when it comes to sex research. In his book, Tell Me What You Want, Lehmiller reveals that fantasies involving multi-partner sex, BDSM/power play, and novelty/adventure were so common that almost everyone had ever had a fantasy about them. Knowing this can make talking about your fantasies easier.

If that's not enough, Lehmiller also explains how negative feelings such as guilt were more often experienced by those people who repressed their fantasies than those who expressed them and that those feelings often led to sexual problems. He also encouraged readers to express their fantasies because it gives them the power to control when -- and how -- those fantasies surface.

You don't want to be so anxious about these conversations that you assume the conversation will go poorly, which can change your tone to one that's more negative. These conversations may be important, but they don't necessarily have to be serious or stressful. In fact, they can be fun, and the results can be positive for your relationship and sex life. Being able to share with your partner can make you feel closer.

In fact, Lehmiller found that people who had shared their fantasies with their partners were typically met with a neutral or positive reaction. Negative responses weren't that common!

Sharing Your Fantasy

But just because you're ready to share, doesn't mean you know how to do that. So here's some advice.

Remember that disclosing your sexual preferences is a process and isn't completed all at once. Therefore, you can start with smaller items before divulging fantasies that might be a little more "out there." You might mention that you like handcuffs before moving on to being hogtied or intricate Japanese ropework.

While you might think that a public place is a good place for these discussions, think again. You don't want to involve other people in your discussion without their consent, and your partner might not feel as comfortable in these situations as they would in private. On the other hand, bringing up a discussion while you're in a vehicle, for example, may lead your partner to feel trapped.

The time and setting should be one when neither of you is distracted, so turn off the TV and silence your phones. Avoid times when your partner might already feel stressed or be in a negative mood. You might say something like, "Hey, we should talk about sex later," to ensure your partner isn't too surprised!

There are a couple of times that work as the perfect segue:

  • Consuming erotic media (on screen, on the page, etc.) 

  • Visiting a sex store (online or in-person)

  • Playing an erotic game such as sexy Truth or Dare or Would You Rather 

  • Participating in a question-asking activity 

It can help to wait until both of you are sexually aroused because arousal makes people more receptive to sexual ideas. However, you don't want to spring a new kinky toy on a partner during sex if you haven't already talked about it. Furthermore, bringing up fantasies after sex can come across as though you're unsatisfied.

To combat this, remind your partner why you're having these discussions. You want to explore together. You want to grow closer, express your vulnerability, and learn more about your partner. Invite your partner to share their fantasies, too. It's not all about you. Explain your partner's roles in that fantasy to remind them that they're involved.

When discussing fantasies, being specific can help. You might say that you like things "a little kinky," which can insert images of extreme activities in your partner's mind. If you simply mean that you'd like to try spanking and a blindfold, specify that.

Communicating About What You've Shared

Once you begin communicating about fantasies, you might discover a few things.

  • Your fantasies are the same as your partner's 

  • You have some overlap in fantasies 

  • Your fantasies are completely different

  • Your partner has no fantasies

Of course, the last one is unlikely as we've already discussed how common fantasies are. Sometimes, it can simply be too difficult for people to let down their guard and talk about these things.

Then, it's up to the two of you to decide whether and how to proceed. If you're on the same page, a trip to the local sex shop or some Internet shopping might be called for. These activities be a type of foreplay in their own right! Plan how you will explore that fantasy to ensure that it goes as positively as possible!

You may need to determine if fantasy is something that you actually want to act out or if it's realistic.

If your partner isn't completely on board with your fantasy at its most extreme, there may be a middle ground at which you can meet. Or you may be willing to compromise and try something that your partner wants to do if they will do the same.

Whatever you do, it's important to respond without making your partner feel judged, even if you're not into what they want to do. Bringing up fantasies only to be rejected and, perhaps, judged, can have long-lasting repercussions.

You might feel relieved now that this conversation is over, but don't forget that these discussions continue to happen as long as you have sex. You might try fantasy and feel differently about it, develop new fantasies, or try something more intense. All of these things require more communication.

Of course, once you take that first step, all the rest are that much easier!
By: Adriana Ravenlust
Follow on Twitter @adriana_r