Watching a hollywood sex scene would have you thinking that the way sex works is a neat little equation of two people making out, the scene fading to black, and some moaning. The next second, the pair is lying in bed with the sheets pulled up to their chests.
As much as movies and porn will try to make you believe it, sex is not seamless. Just as there are moans and giggles and pleasure, there are hydration breaks, spilled lube, an accidental knee to the stomach, and bumped teeth. There are farts and queefs and even *gasp* talking.
If you feel uncomfortable speaking up in bed, don’t worry, you’re not alone, and it’s not your fault. Our culture tells us it’s weird and awkward to use our words during sex. We’re just expected to know exactly what to do. Of course, this isn’t the case at all, and it leaves so many people without the pleasure they deserve. In the heat of the moment, it can be so hard to say the words “Um, actually, my clit is a little to the right”, so here is a little guide with different ways to get you more comfortable using your voice in bed.
First Things First, Consent
The most important thing in any discussion about communication, in fact, any conversation about sex, is consent. Always ask your partner before touching them in any way to make sure they are comfortable with you doing so. Feeling awkward is no excuse for crossing someone’s boundaries. Additionally, if you ever feel uncomfortable, be sure to tell your partner right away. The great thing about consent is it doesn’t have to be awkward, so practice your sultry voice and start by asking permission to get down and dirty.
Use Your Body
Body language can be a great way to communicate. Try visibly squirming in pleasure to encourage your partner to keep going, or move away if the touch becomes too intense or your bits become too sensitive. You can also try taking charge! For example, if your partner is usually on top, switch positions to control the movement. My favorite way to use body language to communicate is to hold your partner’s hand and ask “Can I show you how I like to be touched?”. If they say yes, guide their hand to your favorite spots, and show them exactly what motions to make. Once they see how much pleasure they’re giving you, they’ll catch on quick!
Use Your Noises
There’s a reason that porn has so much moaning. It’s hot! Not only can moans and other sexy noises be super arousing, they can direct your partner to what feels good too! It’s like the sexy version of that childhood game “warmer or colder”. Louder moaning can mean “yes! Right there!” while easing up on the noises can mean “eh. Not so thrilled with this development”. Your partner will more likely than not detect this pattern and adjust their movements to make you feel good. Congratulations, your genitals are now a volume control system.
Use Your Words
The best and most efficient means of telling your partner what you want in the heat of the moment might take the most amount of courage, but it’s so worth it. If you’re timid, start with short phrases like “right there!”, “don’t stop!”, “faster!” or even a classic “yes!”. Once one or two words become comfortable, try giving exact instructions. The key to getting exactly what you want is describing exactly what you want. This can be a question, such as “Want to use your mouth?”, a suggestion like “We should try doggy style!”, or a request like “Could you go a little faster?”. These small phrases can do wonders for your pleasure.
A great way to learn what someone else likes is to play the “A or B” game. When you’re canoodling with your partner, offer two motions and ask “Which is better, this (perform motion), or this (perform other motion)?”. Try doing something fast and slow, or circles and side to side, or more and less pressure. This will let you learn what they like, and maybe even clue them into some new information about their own body.
Communicating isn’t what most people think of when coming up with ways to improve sex; however, it should be the first thing to come to mind. Letting your partner know what makes you feel good is the most important step in increasing the pleasure of sex, so next time you’re in the sack, start chatting!
By: Sammi
Follow on Twitter @Squeaky_Springs
