Bedroom Insider

A blog about relationships, intimacy and sex toys.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

How to Talk About Sex Part One: Before Sex

Tender young couple lying and hugging on couch

For some reason, sex tips from popular magazines always involve some type of physical movement. Usually it’s “wiggle your tongue this way” or “move your hand that way”. They’ll list uncomfortable, wild positions or expensive lingerie that they claim will get you in the right mood, which will naturally lead to flawless sex. Of course, in practice, these grand ideas often fall short.

The truth is, the best way to get the sex you want is to ask for it. Your partner can’t read your mind, and as effortless and perfect porn may make sex look, what porn and movies don’t show are the directions given beforehand on what the people should do to make it look so effortless. The reason it looks effortless is because they planned it to be that way by talking about it. This series on Cirilla’s Bedroom Insider tackles what you should be talking about to get the best sex ever, as well as ways to make talking about sex less awkward. Here we’ll focus on what to talk about before any sex even happens.

Protection and boundaries

Of course, the first step to getting the good stuff is avoiding the bad stuff. Talking about STI and pregnancy prevention methods and your personal sexual boundaries before you even hop into bed is a way to make sure everything is clear and laid out. It helps avoid stressful in-the-moment situations. Ask your partner about their preferences by simply saying “What sorts of pregnancy/STI protection do you use?” (For example: condoms, dental dams, hormonal contraceptives), and let your partner know your own protection preferences by saying something like “Is it cool if we use condoms? I get so much more into it if I know I’m having safe sex”. If you’re adventuring into kinky territory, come up with a safeword, and clarify boundaries by asking “Are there any parts of your body you don’t want touched?”.  If you explicitly mention what you don’t want, achieving what you do want will be so much easier.

Asking for What You Want

The second component of pre-sexytime chat is letting your partner know what you want. Sometimes this can feel pretty awkward, but there are a whole bunch of sneaky-sexy ways of communicating what you want in bed. One all-time favorite way of finding out what a partner thinks of a certain sex act is to say “I had a dream last night that we _____, what would you think about that?”. That way, you can find out your partner’s honest opinion about your fantasies, and if their opinion fails to line up with yours, you can just write it off as a dream. More direct ways of verbalizing your wishes could be showing your partner porn, erotica, movies, sexy photos, or those cosmo magazine tips. You could even use a phrase like “hey, there was this thing I saw on tv the other day, wanna try it?”. If face-to-face conversation is too scary for you, you can always text your way to better sex through sexting. Try sending messages like “Next time we have sex, I’d love it if you could _____”. Sexting lets you create a play-by-play of your next sexual encounter. It’s like writing a script to follow and ensure that everyone gets their desires met.

Society teaches us that we shouldn’t be vocal about sex so we don’t “ruin the moment”, when really talking about sex makes those moments magical by ensuring that they’re exactly what floats your boat. Above all, remember that these chats should be comprised of two-way communication between you and the person you’re having sex with. This isn’t one of you telling the other what to do. Instead, it requires both listening and talking. These conversations might seem scary and make you feel vulnerable, but chatting about sex before the sex actually happens is the best way to get the most pleasure possible, and isn't that what sex is all about?

By: Sammi 
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