You're Anxious
A bout of nerves can work against anyone's orgasm and sexual response in general. Most people experience anxiety as a negative when it comes to sex; although, there are a few people who find it arousing.
Perhaps it's your first time (in general or with a new partner), you think your partner is way out of your league, you're struggling with body image, or you simply need a little more time to be comfortable in the situation. Your nerves are a wreck. Having an orgasm? Won't be easy. It might be difficult enough to become wet or maintain an erection.
Some of these fixes are easier than others. A glass of wine helps some people. Maybe you need to cuddle, make out or exchange massages to melt the nerves away. For issues such as body image and self-esteem, it will take more time and perhaps the help of a professional to work through.
When you recognize that anxiety is working against you, however, you've got a hell of a lot better odds at beating it!
You Skimped on the Foreplay
It's unfortunate that so many people think of sex only as bodily penetration (lesbians seem to be alone in defining more activities as having sex). Fingering, oral sex, and dry humping can all help you warm up for penetration, which can make orgasm even easier. Oral sex is especially effective when it comes to getting women off.
So don't rush to the finish line – if penetration is even part of your sexual repertoire. Take things slowly. Start with some sultry texts before you're even in the same room as your lover. By the time you get face-to-face, you'll want to rip one another's clothing off. The heightened anticipation is only a boon for orgasm!
You're Not Focusing on Clitoral Stimulation
This one's more for women who struggle to orgasm, but anyone who has sex with a woman (or transman) can benefit from reading it. Research finds that most women need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm. So sex without clitoral stimulation just isn't going to cut it. The same is true for ignoring the clit during masturbation.
Fortunately, the answer is simple! Rub your clitoris or invite your partner to do the same during intercourse. Grab your favorite vibrator if you prefer. Get into a position that more easily allows clit stim between your bodies (the Clitoral Alignment Technique positions your clit closer to your partner's mons pubis for more intense clitoral stimulation and Thigh Master is like Reverse Cowgirl, but your partner bends his knee, so you can grind against his thigh while you ride him), or position a pillow that you can grind against during sex.
Here's a sex trick you might not have heard of: when you're on top, have your partner place two fingers on either side of the base of his penis similar to the Spock sign. His knuckles will provide friction when you ride him!
Combining penetration with clitoral sensation is a great way to get off during sex.
You're Performing and Not Feeling
It's a wonderful thing to know that your partner is attracted to you and that the way you look, sound and feel is contributing to their pleasure and orgasm. But if you're stuck on that performance, you might not be having an orgasm. You might become self-conscious for one.
Furthermore, you might be distracted from your own pleasure. Sometimes, you need to take the helm and do whatever it is that you need to have an orgasm. Sometimes you may have to concentrate before that orgasm comes to fruition. If all your attention is on performing, you might not actually be in the moment and feeling.
It's good to think of your partner's desires, but don't forget about your own, that is, assuming you know them.
You've Never Masturbated
It's much easier to orgasm during sex if you've ever had an orgasm before. And one of the easiest ways for you to do this, especially for women, is if you've discovered how to orgasm during solo time. There's less pressure when you're on your own, and you can bring the knowledge you uncover into partner play and have more confidence that you'll be able to orgasm when you do.
Some people view masturbation as a substitution for sex, but they're different activities. You can enjoy masturbating even if you're in a relationship or regularly having sex.
You're Trying Too Hard
It might seem counter-intuitive, but trying to have an orgasm during sex might be the very reason that you cannot. This is especially true for women who have yet to have an orgasm. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to simply enjoy the sensations (and even distracted yourself a bit from the idea of orgasm) and enjoy what feels good, even if it doesn't lead to orgasm. If it does, great! If not, you still have a good time, and your sexual encounter isn't worth any less.
Discovering the reason you aren't having an orgasm is the first step to solving the problem, but don't forget to enjoy yourself even if you don't always come during sex!
By: Adriana Ravenlust
Follow on Twitter @adriana_r
