There are many fun and exciting things to try in the realm
of sexuality, everything from role-play, to kink to sex toys. At some point you
may find yourself wanting to add something else to your sexy time, another
person… or two… or more. Adding someone new to your sexual adventures is
definitely possible, and pleasurable, it just requires communication and
planning between you and your partner. From threesomes to moresomes, here are some
ideas on how to play in a way that is safe and consensual.
Are You Ready?
Adding another partner to your playtime can put undue stress
on a relationship, especially if it’s already under duress. Your relationship
doesn’t have to be perfect but it should be healthy. Adding a sex toy may help
with issues in the bedroom but using another person as a sex toy will not. Communication
is very important so you should be able to speak openly and honestly with your
partner about how you want to open up to include another person. Do you just
want a “play partner” that is a friend only for sexy fun times, like swinging, or
do you want to include them in your life more fully like in polyamory.
Polyamory is when you go beyond casual sex with one or more people into a more
committed relationship. You can be anywhere on the spectrum from extremely
casual to extremely committed. The choice is yours; there is no right way or
wrong way in choosing your level of commitment (or non-commitment). Also
understand that this is not infidelity if all parties are aware and approve of
what’s going on. If your added partner has a partner, they need to be aware and
on board with it too. What you’re looking for in an enthusiastic yes. No one
should ever be cajoled or coerced into participating.
Starting the Conversation
It’s important to have a good long talk with your partner
about what you are looking for both in the additional partner and the type of
play you want to engage in. Be direct, it won’t help to pussy foot around so
your partner doesn’t understand you clearly. If you’re not sure how to bring up
the subject try something to get the dialog started. Talk about a sexy
threesome scene while watching porn you both enjoy. Ask your partner if they
ever fantasized about another partner or if they ever felt attracted to someone
of the same gender. You can read erotica together and gauge their desire to act
out any threesome scenes. Once you’ve broken the ice, be more upfront about
your desires. You want them to be with you all the way. If you got your
enthusiastic yes, the next step is to figure out how you want to find another
play partner and have a good talk about safer sex. Some of you may already have
someone in mind or you may want to find someone new. Do you want another male
partner or a female partner, or both? How many are you comfortable with adding?
Agree on the degree of sharing you want to do and what is off limits. Discuss
safer sex options you’d like to employ and get tested so you can go into this
new arrangement knowing that you are aware of your status. Don’t forget to come
up with a plan to deal with jealousy or a change of heart.
Finding a Partner/s
An intro into multiple partners can be with a person you
already know. A bisexual female friend can be a way to start but not the only
way. You may find a bisexual male friend works best for you. When approaching
someone you know, be polite and direct in a friendly way. You want to come off
as someone who is sincere in their desires, not creepy. Keep the conversation
friendly and open, if they don’t give you that enthusiastic yes you need then
move on. You can find new partners at dance clubs or social events or by going
to events that are geared specifically towards finding other sexual partners.
There are swing clubs where you can find singles looking for couples, casual
meet and greets and online dating sites like OKCupid, which is non-monogamy
friendly. You can try a Swinger dating site where you can approach someone
online. Craigslist can be successful but comes with more risk than a dating or
swinger site. Whether it’s an everyday dance club, a sexy party or an online
connection, take the time you need to get to know your prospective new partner.
When you find someone that works for both of you, have the safer sex talk. It’s important to know if they’ve been tested
for STI’s recently. This should not offend anyone, as it’s important to both
their health and any partners to know their status. Also make sure they are on board
with your safer sex practices like dental dams and condoms for both penetrative
sex and oral sex. Knowing if they have a latex allergy is important too. Most
importantly, you don’t owe anyone any sex at any time. If you change your mind you
can politely decline, thank them for their time and either decide to reschedule
or regroup and start again. Your new partner should understand if this is your
first time opening up.
I Have An Idea
What do you do once everyone is ready to get sexy? Things
may happen organically but sometimes there’s an awkward pause. Setting up some
time to relax can help. Have dinner, have some drinks (but not too much, you’re
in the sexual drivers seat here) or do something fun that puts you in the mood.
The amazing sex educator Reid Mihalko has
a great way of initiating conversation; it’s simply saying “I Have An Idea.” It
breaks the ice and begins the conversation. Share something you’ve always
wanted to do or ask one of the other partners to share something they’d like to
do. Play a sexy board game or card game. Sex Is Fun
makes a great card game that can inspire everyone to explore. Read erotica,
watch a sexy movie, play some sexy music, anything that gets your sexy creative
juices flowing. Stay in touch with how everyone is doing no matter how intense
things get. Is someone pulling away or seems hesitant, stop and check in. This
applies to your new playmate and your partner. Keep the lines of communication
open. Does your partner want to stop and have a reassessment talk in the bathroom?
Stop and talk! You can even come up with a verbal or non-verbal cue that is
like a relationship safe word, it required you to stop and step aside to check
in. Above all relax and have a good time. There will be awkward moments so give
yourself permission to laugh during sex; it’s actually very hot. Take time with
your new partner afterward and show your appreciation for sharing this time
with you.
Communicate and Educate
Remember that communication is the key. Talk to your
partner, talk to others who have been successful in adding partners or talk to
professionals who coach or give advice about threesome and group sex. Educate
yourself by reading books like The
Threesome Handbook, The
Ethical Slut and Opening
Up or watch Tristan Taormino’s The
Expert Guide to Threesomes. Take a class at your local sex shop or check
out articles by reputable sources like Tristan
Taormino, Nina
Hartley, Dan
and Jennifer, Life
on the Swingset and Reid Mihalko, who does two great classes about successful threesomes
and group sex. It may seem like a lot of
work at first but you’ll be glad you invested the time, and so will your sexy
new playmate.
By: Technogeisha
Follow on Twitter @Technogeisha
