Bedroom Insider

A blog about relationships, intimacy and sex toys.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

How Sex Changes in Your Thirties

There's an adage that men reach their sexual peaks in their 20s while women reach their peaks in their 30s. Although it's obviously incorrect that a man will no longer desire sex once he reaches his thirtieth birthday, many women do feel more comfortable with their sexualities once they pass those same birthdays. Why is this?

Multiple factors are involved, and we'll discuss them.

  • They're more likely to be in a stable relationship. So they can ask for what you want without fear of judgment, and they've got time to explore anything from role playing to BDSM. Plus, you might focus on preventing pregnancy (or trying to get pregnant) without the fear of STI transmission so that you might ditch condoms for the first time in exchange for other types of birth control.
  • They're aware of how time is passing. Many people no longer feel young, mentally or physically, once they're in their thirties. Time is passing, and you can't get it back. So you try to make better use of time, and who has the time to be having bad or mediocre sex? This freedom allows women to speak up to get theirs when, previously, they may have just lay there and taken it.
  • They recognize that everyone is self-conscious about their bodies. Other women. Their partners. So they take a deep breath and get into positions that might not be flattering but feel good. They have sex with the light on for the first time. They're sexually emboldened and having better sex because of it!
  • They've had more partners and more time to masturbate. This allows women to better know what they like, which is vastly different from what men may like or even other women. The knowledge paired with a little timely impatience means women go for what they want.
  • They've ditched culturally-imbued slut-shaming. Humans like sex, both men and women! But girls and women are often taught that it's bad to show this desire. Once a woman hits thirty, she might give up on denying herself that pleasure for another decade, and we think that's great!

According to Alfred Kinsey, women in their thirties have more orgasms than women at other ages. And it's not difficult to see how these changes in confidence, communication and desire lend to that.

This sounds like a great change for many women, and it is. But it's also ideal for their partners. Men report enjoying sex with women in their thirties because those women are more likely to take control, ask for what they want and be active partners in bed.

That's the good news, but not everything is positive as you get into your thirties. This is the decade in which many people feel that their bodies simply don't rebound like they used to. A piece of cake is more noticeable on the hips than ever before, and sleep might not leave you feeling as rested as it did a few years prior.

In your thirties, you're more likely to have a full plate with work, kids, pets, a home and perhaps aging parents. When you combine this stress with a body that's not as youthful as it once was and a lack of restful sleep, you might find that you don't have the energy to have sex. Without energy, your desire may dip, too.

Sex comes naturally to younger people, so you may find yourself having to make time for sex for the first time in your life. You may need to take more time to get into the mood and find your body a bit resistant to the entire idea. Of course, it's important that you recognize these changes for what they are – changes and not a terrible omen – and discuss them with your partner.

A partner who helps take care of the fort at home is crucial to you having time or energy to devote to sexual intimacy. This is especially true for women, whose desire tends to be responsive.

Finally, men lose testosterone more slowly than women. This hormone is responsible for desire in both men and women. While women lose testosterone as they age – estrogen especially dips during menopause – it happens less slowly than it does with men. That could be part of the reason people say men experience their sexual peaks earlier than women.

So if you're a woman in her thirties whose sex drive seems out of control, you're normal. If your sex drive has taken a dip as you age, that's normal, too. Sex is great, but that's not what life is all about. You can always talk to your doctor if your sex drive has dropped so low that it's interfering with your life or relationship, and she may recommend hormone treatment.

Decreased sex hormones can make it harder for women to be sufficiently lubricated, so we definitely recommend adding some slick personal lubricant into the mix to supplement your natural lubrication.

Beware that birth control and other medications may introduce hormones that affect your sex drive and body in ways that are atypical for many people in their thirties.

For those people, especially women, whose desire is strong but sex lives aren't quite living up to their promise, it might be time to take action. Rethink anything you learned about sex being bad or shameful. Accept whatever your kinks might be. Your partner might totally be into them!

Speak up in the bedroom. You have much more to lose if you don't! And if you're not sure what you like, take time to explore both with your partner and by yourself (our selection of vibrators is a great place to start!). Once you get an idea what your body likes or how those preferences have changed, you can communicate them to your partner.

Be kind to your body. No one is perfect. Everyone is aging and noticing differences. Those changes certainly don't make you any less, and a long-term partner may even love growing “old” with you.

Of course, thirty is far from old! You're young enough to take advantage of the time still available to you but wise enough to realize you'll never get it back. If you can find a way to make that work for

By: Adriana Ravenlust
Follow on Twitter @adriana_r