Recently here on Cirilla’s Bedroom Insider we’ve been chatting about how to talk about sex with a partner. We’ve written about how to communicate
before,
during, and
after sex, but I saved my absolute favorite tip for its very own post. In my opinion, yes/no/maybe lists are the bee’s knees. Also known as a want/will/won’t list, a yes/no/maybe list is a chart of sex acts you create to communicate which sex acts you’re thrilled about (the “yes” or “want”), which ones you might be willing to try (the “will” or “maybe”), and which ones you’d rather stay away from (the “no” or “won’t”). This handy guide will by no means be the end-all be-all of your sexual adventures, but it’s a great place to start and build conversations. Here are a few reasons why these handy-dandy things rule, and some tips on how to create your own!
Yes/no/maybe lists give you a chance to reflect upon your own sexuality.
A yes/no/maybe list starts with thinking about your own sexual habits. What do you like? What do you hate? Considering how you would categorize your favorite and not-so-favorite sexual activities is a great opportunity for some self-reflection. To sort through the multitude of sex acts and get inspiration for things to go on your chart, try peeking at Lindsey Doe’s video of a list of sex acts. You can also watch porn or read erotica to get ideas, and perhaps even peruse some
sex toys for inspiration. Whatever you do, take some time to imagine yourself in these situations. You just might find yourself turned on by something you never would have thought of!
They spark conversations about sex and consent.
Yes/no/maybe lists are easy ways to get the ball rolling in giving and receiving consent. These lists aren't set in stone, however. What’s written on the paper may not reflect how you or your partner is feeling at any time, so although using a
bondage set might be in the “yes” category, that doesn’t necessarily mean you want to tie or be tied every single time you have sex. Yes/no/maybe lists are great for creating dialogue and negotiations around what type of sex might be on the menu for the day. Just ask!
They give you your own homemade reference list to spice up your sex life.
“Hey, remember all these cool things that you can do with your bodies?”- Your yes/no/maybe list when you get bored of your usual sex routine. When once fiery passions turn into the same-old humdrum pattern, turn to your handy dandy list to rediscover other activities you might like to try. You might have to shift some sex acts from column to column, but you’re bound to find something new, or even uncover something you used to do that just doesn’t happen enough anymore.
Remember, your yes/no/maybe list is just a starting point for a conversation, and with time and experience, wants, wills, and won’ts may change! For more resources and information on yes/no/maybe lists, check out Lindsey Doe’s
video and
list of sex acts, a cool
worksheet-style list, a
kinky list, or check out Bex Talks Sex’s
beautifully detailed blog post. Happy communicating!
By: Sammi
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