How to Communicate with Your Partner About Your Sexual Fantasies

So you've got a sexual fantasy and want it to become a reality? Rest assured that you're not alone and that communicating those fantasies to your partner can be a positive thing!

Fantasies Are Common - Some Especially So

Before you're able to ask about fantasy, you might need to learn to accept a few things about yourself. First, recognize that being a sexual person is not a bad thing. Second, remember that it's okay if you want to try something new in the bedroom and doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or your relationship. Variety is the spice of life, after all. Thirdly, recognize that your specific fantasies don't mean that you're some kind of freak.

Almost everyone has a fantasy, and some fantasies are so common that there's a good chance that you may share a fantasy with your partner. This is what sex educator and research Justin Lehmiller found when he surveyed over 4,000 people about their sexual fantasies, a first when it comes to sex research. In his book, Tell Me What You Want, Lehmiller reveals that fantasies involving multi-partner sex, BDSM/power play, and novelty/adventure were so common that almost everyone had ever had a fantasy about them. Knowing this can make talking about your fantasies easier.

If that's not enough, Lehmiller also explains how negative feelings such as guilt were more often experienced by those people who repressed their fantasies than those who expressed them and that those feelings often led to sexual problems. He also encouraged readers to express their fantasies because it gives them the power to control when -- and how -- those fantasies surface.

You don't want to be so anxious about these conversations that you assume the conversation will go poorly, which can change your tone to one that's more negative. These conversations may be important, but they don't necessarily have to be serious or stressful. In fact, they can be fun, and the results can be positive for your relationship and sex life. Being able to share with your partner can make you feel closer.

In fact, Lehmiller found that people who had shared their fantasies with their partners were typically met with a neutral or positive reaction. Negative responses weren't that common!

Sharing Your Fantasy

But just because you're ready to share, doesn't mean you know how to do that. So here's some advice.

Remember that disclosing your sexual preferences is a process and isn't completed all at once. Therefore, you can start with smaller items before divulging fantasies that might be a little more "out there." You might mention that you like handcuffs before moving on to being hogtied or intricate Japanese ropework.

While you might think that a public place is a good place for these discussions, think again. You don't want to involve other people in your discussion without their consent, and your partner might not feel as comfortable in these situations as they would in private. On the other hand, bringing up a discussion while you're in a vehicle, for example, may lead your partner to feel trapped.

The time and setting should be one when neither of you is distracted, so turn off the TV and silence your phones. Avoid times when your partner might already feel stressed or be in a negative mood. You might say something like, "Hey, we should talk about sex later," to ensure your partner isn't too surprised!

There are a couple of times that work as the perfect segue:

• Consuming erotic media (on screen, on the page, etc.) 

• Visiting a sex store (online or in-person)

• Playing an erotic game such as sexy Truth or Dare or Would You Rather 

• Participating in a question-asking activity 

It can help to wait until both of you are sexually aroused because arousal makes people more receptive to sexual ideas. However, you don't want to spring a new kinky toy on a partner during sex if you haven't already talked about it. Furthermore, bringing up fantasies after sex can come across as though you're unsatisfied.

To combat this, remind your partner why you're having these discussions. You want to explore together. You want to grow closer, express your vulnerability, and learn more about your partner. Invite your partner to share their fantasies, too. It's not all about you. Explain your partner's roles in that fantasy to remind them that they're involved.

When discussing fantasies, being specific can help. You might say that you like things "a little kinky," which can insert images of extreme activities in your partner's mind. If you simply mean that you'd like to try spanking and a blindfold, specify that.

Communicating About What You've Shared

Once you begin communicating about fantasies, you might discover a few things.

• Your fantasies are the same as your partner's 

• You have some overlap in fantasies 

• Your fantasies are completely different

• Your partner has no fantasies

Of course, the last one is unlikely as we've already discussed how common fantasies are. Sometimes, it can simply be too difficult for people to let down their guard and talk about these things.

Then, it's up to the two of you to decide whether and how to proceed. If you're on the same page, a trip to the local sex shop or some Internet shopping might be called for. These activities be a type of foreplay in their own right! Plan how you will explore that fantasy to ensure that it goes as positively as possible!

You may need to determine if fantasy is something that you actually want to act out or if it's realistic.

If your partner isn't completely on board with your fantasy at its most extreme, there may be a middle ground at which you can meet. Or you may be willing to compromise and try something that your partner wants to do if they will do the same.

Whatever you do, it's important to respond without making your partner feel judged, even if you're not into what they want to do. Bringing up fantasies only to be rejected and, perhaps, judged, can have long-lasting repercussions.

You might feel relieved now that this conversation is over, but don't forget that these discussions continue to happen as long as you have sex. You might try fantasy and feel differently about it, develop new fantasies, or try something more intense. All of these things require more communication.

Of course, once you take that first step, all the rest are that much easier!
 
By: Adriana Ravenlust
Follow on Twitter @adriana_r

Keeping Sex Pleasurable After Menopause

Menopause can occur naturally or surgically, that is after an oophorectomy (removal of the ovaries). Natural menopause occurs most frequently after age 45, but it can happen earlier or later. No matter the cause, menopause manifests in several bodily and mental changes due to a decrease in estrogen. Understanding what's happening with your body helps explain why you feel the way you do and can help you determine how to best claim your sexuality after menopause.

The decrease in estrogen leads to the most obvious symptom of menopause: no more periods. You might also be aware of symptoms such as mood swings or hot flashes that are not uncommon with menopause.  However, there are other less-obvious side effects, and they can seriously affect your sex life.

Vaginal Dryness

Estrogen plays a critical role in the vagina's ability to self-lubricate, so women who are going through menopause may experience vaginal dryness as blood flow to the genital decreases. Dry sex is often painful. There are several options to relieve vaginal dryness, fortunately. They include vaginal moisturizers like Replens, which helps to increase moisture overall and personal lubricant, which you can apply prior and during sexual activities for temporary relief of dryness.

Decreased Libido

Several studies have found that menopausal women experience a drop in desire; although, this isn't always the case. This can happen because hormones drop with menopause. Mood swings, poor sleep, and hot flashes can also make it difficult for menopausal women to get in the mood for sex.

Vaginal Atrophy

While many people focus on the previous two sexual side effects of menopause, vaginal atrophy can also significantly impact your sex life. Decreases in estrogen mean vaginal tissues are less elastic. The result? Painful sex, even if you are in the mood! Vaginal atrophy can increase the likelihood of tears, which can make you more susceptible to infections as well, and bleeding.

Your doctor may prescribe medication such as that can increase the thickness and durability of vaginal tissue. However, this medicine can also increase the likeliness of blood clots and stroke in some women.

Orgasm Difficulty

 

Along with painful sex and decreased libido, some women have more difficulty with orgasm after menopause. Orgasms may be less consistent or less intense. Kegel exercises, which tone pelvic floor muscles, may improve your orgasms. These exercises can also be beneficial for urinary incontinence, which some women experience with menopause.

Dealing with the Sexual Side Effects of Menopause

 

Many times, women will continue having sex even if it's painful or not something they want due to menopause. Or they may retreat within themselves, which can cause strife in their relationships. However, it doesn't have to be this way.

There is no single cure to all of the side effects caused by menopause. However, you can work with your doctor to find what's right for you. Many women undergo hormone therapy after menopause to replenish the hormones their bodies no longer make and relieve symptoms such as vaginal dryness and atrophy. Estrogen comes in a variety of forms from pills to creams to injections. Talk to your doctor to find out more.

Some people may not see improvements when taking estrogen and others may not be appropriate candidates for hormone therapy. There are some steps you can take to remain sexual, including the use of vaginal moisturizers and lube mentioned above.

•  Masturbate: Many doctors and patients find that remaining sexually active can put off or reduce the side effects of menopause. So keep having sex or masturbating as long as it's possible and pleasurable.
• Focus on foreplay: At any age, increasing foreplay can help you become more aroused, experience more pleasure, and increase the likelihood of having an orgasm. Manual and oral sex, sensual massage, and other activities are just a few ideas to get you started. Don't forget about written or visual erotica, which can help to get you going.
• Try outercourse: If penetrative sex is something you can no longer do or cannot do as much as you once did, try outercourse. This includes activities such as dry humping, making out, and mutual masturbation all fall into this category. Expand your idea of what “counts” as sex, and you'll find that your sex life can continue quite happily. These activities can provide a sexual release and keep you connected to your partner.
• Be mindful: Studies have found that mindfulness can help with sexual dysfunctions such as arousal. Mindfulness can promote relaxation, which is good for sexual enjoyment. Mindfulness can keep you in the moment and focused on the journey (pleasure) versus the destination (orgasm). Activities such as tai chi and yoga also encourage mindfulness and can be helpful during this time.
• Talk about it: Sexual communication is always important but especially so if you're experiencing changes because of menopause. Your partner may not be aware of some of the lesser-known side effects. Furthermore, don't be afraid to talk about any symptoms you may have with your doctor. It's their job to help you find ways to cope with menopause, even if talking about sex seems embarrassing to you. Trust us, your doctor has seen and heard it all.
• Switch things up: Breaking out of your sexual routine can give your sex drive a boost and make you feel more connected to your partner. Try something new such as using a sex toy if you never have before. Roleplaying and BDSM can also reignite the spark that may have been extinguished by menopause and other factors.
• Remember safer sex: Sex after menopause can be great. After all, there's no risk of pregnancy, and the kids are out of the house so you can get down whenever you want. However, the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection still exists. You can reduce those risk by using safer sex devices such as condoms for penetrative sex or oral performed on a man or dental dams for oral sex performed on a woman.

Not everyone experiences menopause the same, and your symptoms can vary in intensity as you go through menopause. However, knowing what can happen and how to work around it can ensure that menopause doesn't interfere with your sex life and prevent you from being as sexual as you want. 

By: Adriana Ravenlust

Follow on Twitter @adriana_r

How To Introduce Sex Toys To A Partner

Using a sex toy might be just what you need to spice up your sex life, even if it's just sex with yourself.  Some people find that they experience more pleasure and easier orgasms by using sex toys. Vibrators, especially, can help some women have an orgasm for the very first time. You may already have a favorite sex toy when you start sleeping with a new partner, or you may be considering using sex toys for the first time with an existing lover. However, the way you bring up the idea can impact whether your partner is down with the idea.

 

Pick the Right Timing

Discussing your collection of sex toys before you've even had sex or breaking out your favorite dildo during your first sexual encounter with a person might be a deal-breaker. Someone who is new to sex toys may feel overwhelmed if you opt for a sexy surprise. A partner may also be offended if you bring up the idea right after sex if it seems like you were disappointed.

Instead, you can bring up the topic of sex toys after you've had sex. Consider a casual conversation when your partner is relaxed and not busy. Your discussion can help you determine how your partner feels about sex toys, and bring up the idea if they seem receptive. You may need to discuss why your partner doesn't like the idea first.

Focus on the Benefits

For some people, not using sex toys means sex is less satisfying. However, you're not likely to get very far if you simply complain about what doesn't work for you. You don't need to list every single thing that has disappointed you. Instead, you can let your partner know what does work for you and suggest how toys will help you become closer, explore your sexualities, and have even more pleasurable sex. Imagine telling your partner how hot it will be to see them using a toy on themselves or you. These conversations can be a starting point for you to discuss your sexual needs and desires with your partner – and to learn about theirs!

Communicate Openly About Sex

To piggyback on the previous idea, being able to communicate about sex will make introducing sex toys that much easier. Furthermore, talking about sex is the only way you can know what your partner wants and likes and to figure out how you can expand your sex life.

As part of your communication, you can let your partner know why sex toys work for you. Perhaps you can only achieve orgasm with vibration or you need something more intense or consistent than a partner can provide. Use these conversations as a way to reassure your partner that a toy can't and won't ever replace them. A sex toy can bring you pleasure, but at the end of the day, it's just a tool. You cannot have a romantic connection or sexual chemistry with a sex toy.

Shop for Toys Together

Invite your partner to shop for toys with you, whether that's online or in person. This allows them to figure out what they might be interested in and ensures that the toys you use together are yours and aren't associated with a former lover.

If shopping successfully gets your partner's juices flowing, they might even suggest something you hadn't considered before, which can encourage even more exploration.

Pick the Right Toy

A lot of men, especially, may worry about their partners using insertable toys that are larger than them. You might love your big purple dildo, but it may not be the right toy to introduce to your partner. Instead, opt for something a little less intimidating or that doesn't feel like “competition.” A bullet vibrator, for example, doesn't compete with your partner and is small enough not to intimidate most people. Or you may opt for a fantastic design rather than one that looks like a penis.

Introducing sex toys to a partner can be similar to introducing kink. Work your way up to things that are a little more “out there.” Gauge your partner's reaction as you go.

Toys Are for Both of You

You might need a toy to get off or simply prefer one, but you won't have much luck if you introduce the idea of sex toys as something that's for you alone. Instead, focus on how toys can improve things for both of you. For example, men can enjoy vibrations as well as women. Or you might opt for a cock ring that offers clitoral stimulation while also helping him stay harder. If you can connect a toy to something your partner already does, your partner might be even more receptive to the idea.

Buy Their First Sex Toy

If your partner is open to it, buy them a sex toy. This could be a vibrator or dildo or a stroker like a Tenga egg. Let your partner use the toy, perhaps in private, to get used to the idea of using toys. It can be hot to watch them use it, too! This makes it much easier to incorporate toys into partnered play.

Introducing Sex Toys to Casual Partners

The way you introduce sex toys to a casual or non-romantic partner may differ from how you go about it with an established or long-term partner. You want to ensure that you both have a good time, but you might be more focused on pleasure that only a toy can bring over this person's feelings. There are still some things you can do so your partner will be more receptive to the idea. For example, try asking something such as “Do you want to see how I come?” This type of sexy dirty talk will keep things sexy and make your partner feel like a contributor to your pleasure.

By: Adriana Ravenlust

Follow on Twitter @adriana_r