Many women complain about how clueless their male partners are. Humorous sex positions and inaccurate urban legends don't help. Neither do those oft-toted facts and techniques that promise to work on every woman. That's why we've come up with these sex tips for men. Note that while we're focusing on cisgender men who have sex with cis women, many of this advice applies women who sleep with women and people whose partners are trans men.
You Have to Talk to Your Partner
This advice is true for anyone of any gender no matter the gender of their sexual partners. But keeping in mind the way society teaches gender roles can help you communicate about sex more effectively.
Take women, for instance. Masturbation is not as encouraged or accepted as it is with men. Because of this, you may be more likely to know your preferences than your partner, which can lead to an increased likelihood of orgasm and decreased anxiety, at least, in some regards.
Furthermore, society teaches women that they must please others and that sex is more for men than women, so many women simply grin and bear it, even if it's not particularly pleasurable. They don't know that they can ask for what they need in bed or may be afraid to do so. Your partner's previous partners may have selfishly ignored her needs or been unperceptive to her sexual requests. If she's dealt with rejection or anger in the past, she may be reluctant to let you know about her fantasies. Knowing this, you can create a comfortable space for your partner to ask for what she needs.
Women learn that their worth is closely tied to their appearance. Many women find themselves monitoring their performance during sex rather than remaining in the moment. Once she realizes this, your partner can make an effort to remain in the moment through practices such as mindfulness, and you may be able to help her with it.
Communication also helps you establish consent and ensure your partner isn't just saying “Yes” because she feels like she has to.
Of course, talking about sex is easier said than done. But not doing it can lead to resentment and negative feelings that can emerge explosively. Establish the habit of talking about sex early on in your relationship, so you can avoid issues due to sexual incompatibility. This makes it easier to deal with any problem that may arise as your relationship continues.
Remember that while you can ask for small things such as a different technique during the act, requests immediately after sex can come across as dissatisfaction. Time other questions when you're both in a good mood (don't bring up sexual frustrations during a fight) and have time to discuss them. Try not to be accusatory or judgmental when talking about sex.
Her Orgasm Is Not About Your Ego
There are a lot of articles that will tell you the one trick that will blow your partner's mind or the 3 ways to give her an orgasm. These articles might be well-intended and can even teach you techniques you may not have known that can bring your partner pleasure. But those posts often focus on orgasm, suggesting there's a one-size-all approach that will work for every partner and in every situation, or that orgasm is the only thing that makes sex worthwhile. Neither of these things is true, however.
No one technique will work for every woman, and the same can be said for men. Your partner may need different techniques based on where she is in her menstrual cycle or for other reasons. If your goal is to get her to orgasm as efficiently as possible, you might feel frustrated when it takes longer or requires more creativity than you're used to. But then you're missing out on the fun of the journey.
Furthermore, whether or not your partner has an orgasm can reflect your skills as a lover, but there is a host of other reasons that might make it more difficult from depression to medication to injury or illness to stress to body image issues to her own anxieties about sex. And if you do make her orgasm, it's still not about you. You're not doing it just so you can say you can or mark it off on your calendar.
Making her orgasm is not your personal quest. If that's all you focus on, you can be placing a tremendous amount of pressure on your partner. Ironically, that pressure may be the very thing that makes it hard for her to come. Instead, focus on providing her pleasure and connecting with her. If she has an orgasm, that's great. If not, it was still time well spent.
Take Your Time
This goes right along with enjoying the time spent having sex. You can't enjoy time if you simply rush through it. And doing so might make sex especially frustrating for your partner.
While there's a lot of variation when it comes to sexual personal preferences, it's generally safe that women need a little more time than men in bed. Many men think this means their partner wants them to jackhammer away for 40 minutes to two hours, but you need to give thought to what happens before you even get to that point.
What you consider “foreplay,” is really core play to her. It's what helps her body become fully aroused, so penetration is more comfortable and orgasm is more likely. Using a couple different techniques before penetration, including manual and oral stimulation might be a little more effort, but it comes with a bigger payoff, too. You'll notice that both of these techniques focus on a specific location.
The Clitoris Is the Counterpart Sex Organ
If you know anything about human development, you might already know that the clitoris is analogous to the penis. There's a shaft that can become erect when aroused and stimulated, a foreskin known as a prepuce that protects this, and a whole lot of nerves that bring pleasure. In fact, the clitoris might even be more sensitive than the penis!
Because of this it only makes sense that you focus on your partner's clitoris if you want to bring them pleasure. Very few women can orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone. Even some of those who can, prefer a combination of vaginal and clitoral stimulation. Many women require clitoral stimulation and will get nowhere if you don't provide some direct lovin' to her clitoris.
Even the so-called G-spot orgasm is a result of clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is a much larger organ than we can see from the surface, and parts of it wrap around the vagina. The G-spot and any other sensitive spot isn't a specific organ as much as it is a spot where the internal part of the clitoris can be stimulated.
But this is an indirect way of stimulating a partner's clitoris. Direct stimulation is usually going to get the job done easier, so use your hands or mouth – or another tool – to stimulate her clitoris and remember to do so during every part of sex. This leads us to our next point.
Don't Be Afraid of Sex Toys
Your partner might own a vibrator or dildo or, hell, even an entire arsenal of sex toys. They may use them for masturbation, but there's no reason you can't use them during sex. Consider this, for most straight men, penetrative sex mimics their masturbation style. But this isn't true for a lot of women. Why not bring what you know works for your partner into your bedroom?
Some men worry that a sex toy will replace them or that their partners will become addicted to vibrators, both of which are patently false. First, you probably masturbate, but that doesn't mean you stop desiring sex. Secondly, you offer a lot more than just your penis or sexual benefits. How could a device replace you that easily? It can't!
But sex toys can help you pleasure your partner and learn more about her body. You might even discover that you like them, too!
There's a great benefit to using toys during sex: you don't have to be rock hard for hours on end. Sex toys help relieve the performance anxiety you might feel, which can actually lead to erection issues in a terrible cycle.
If you were hoping for a single sexual technique that you can use on every woman every time, you might be disappointed. However, this advice in this post does something even better: it creates a
foundation for quality sex for both partners.
By: Adriana Ravenlust
Follow on Twitter @adriana_r
