Bedroom Insider

A blog about relationships, intimacy and sex toys.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Things to Consider Before You Have a Threesome

It is pretty universal that most men are interested in or fantasize about having a threesome – usually with two women. But, no matter what combination, a threesome is something many men think about.

Technically group sex includes sex with 3, 4, or more people. That means there are more mouths, more hands, more arms, more legs – but there is also more need to communicate, more need for coordination, more feelings, more baggage…  There are many things to consider about group sex.

Let’s start with some of the reasons people want to add another person to their sexual activities:

  • Increased attention 
  •  Showing off your sexual skills 
  • Curiosity about sex with another person of your gender 
  • Adding  variety without the need to lie, hide or cheat 
  • Because you’re curious  about sex with multiple people of any gender 
  • A chance to watch someone please your partner 
  • A chance to watch your partner interact with someone else 
  • Learn new skills 
  • Step outside your comfort zone or the “usual” and accepted behavior 
  • Explore and learn more about yourself
  • Experiment and try new things 
  • Live out and act on a fantasy

We hear from many sources that one man and one woman is the usual and accepted plan for sexual activities. One of the many activities that are supposed to be “wrong” are threesomes and group sex. Each of us should have the right and the ability to decide these things for ourselves, or with a partner.  
An issue that I often see with people who talk about having a threesome, is their fear.  This fear can be caused by jealousy, insecurity for a variety of reasons, feeling that it is wrong, being uncomfortable because it pushes their personal sexual boundaries and worry over whether their partner is really ready to add another person to their sexual activities.\

No matter how wonderful that fantasy may seem, you must have an honest conversation with your partner before you approach someone about joining you. Neither person should ever agree just to please the other person. Any sexual act you participate in, should be done because you both want to do it. A relationship can be ruined for many reasons, but a threesome can definitely be a contributing factor.  

Having a threesome for the wrong reasons, can definitely ruin or damage a relationship. These are some of the negative or “wrong” reasons to participate in a threesome. If any of these describe your reasons for deciding to have a threesome, you really need to reconsider.
  • In an attempt to get your partner back 
  • Only to please a partner 
  •  An attempt to hurt a partner 
  • To provide a buffer because you fear intimacy 
  • Again, to provide a buffer, because you fear commitment 
  • To attempt to recapture the rush of being in a new relationship
It is time to be brutally honest with yourself. If you are a man or woman who fantasizes about having a threesome, why do you want to have sex with multiple people? That isn’t to say you are bad if these are your motivations – but be honest with yourself about the potential damage this can do to your relationship – with your partner and with the other person. 

To drive that point home, here is an actual scenario -

A couple had talked since the time they dated about another woman having sex with them. The man wanted to be with two women and to watch them together. The woman was bi-curious and wanted to be with a woman and it was less pressure to do it with her husband. They finally found a woman and asked her to spend the night with them. The husband and wife were both friends with the other woman and the wife had a crush on her. 
So, they felt they discussed all the important things before hand and they got together several times to test the physical boundaries and everything seemed fine.  The night came and the eventually went to the bedroom. They were a little awkward at first, but everyone loosened up and there was plenty of kissing, fondling, hands and mouths roaming from person to person, things seemed to be going fine.
The husband and wife had intercourse and the wife clearly wanted to leave the other woman out. So, she stayed to the side. The wife got up and left the room a little later. When she returned, the husband had his arm around the other woman, talking to her. Nothing sexual was going on, although they were nude, but the wife abruptly decided it was time for everyone to get out of bed.
The three of them were together one more time after that. Shortly, each of the relationships deteriorated, and the couple eventually divorced. This couple had talked about a threesome for years, but still weren’t ready for the emotional repercussions. 

By Nikki Leigh