How To Help A Woman Orgasm

It's far more common for men to orgasm during sexual encounters than women, especially when it comes to casual encounters. Why is this? Research has found that most women either need clitoral stimulation to orgasm or prefer it to do so. But penetration alone typically provides little to no clitoral pleasure for a woman.

This means that it doesn't matter how hard your erection is or how long you can keep it up. However, the bright side is that you can use your entire body to give her pleasure, which gives your penis a break. And if you and your partner are willing to explore, you can discover how she can have consistent orgasms.

Take Your Time

 

The first step to ensuring a woman has an orgasm is taking time to ensure she's adequately aroused. Without this arousal, sex can be uncomfortable or even painful. So don't rush to penetration. Use your hands and mouth. Spend more time making out rather than just giving a few perfunctory kisses. As a result, you'll be more aroused, too!

Understand Her Desire

 

Many people misunderstand how sexual desire works. For many women who have responsive desire, desire can only appear after physical arousal, which is one reason why taking your is important. On top of that, desire problems can interfere with a person's ability to have an orgasm.

But it's not just about ramping up that sex drive. There are things that inhibit the sex drive, too. This is known as the dual-control model of sexual response, which was suggested by Bancroft and Janssen as a way to explain desire. You can add all the candles and kisses you want, but if you don't deal with things that kill desires such as stress, low body image, relationship issues, and health issues including medications, it's like hitting the gas while the parking brake is still on.

A sensual massage can release stress and get her mind and body on the same page so she can really let go and enjoy sensual pleasure. She may also benefit from mindfulness techniques.

If you're interested in some reading material, Emily Nagoski's book Come As You Are expands on the issue of desire.

Get Handsy

 

Your hands are perfect for rubbing her clitoris until she's writhing in ecstasy. Any time you have a free hand, reach out and touch her most sensitive place! A few positions are especially conducive for this, including doggie style and any position where you're behind her and don't need both hands for stabilization.

Here's a way to spice it up: either place your hand over hers to stimulate her clitoris, or place your hand under hers so she can guide you and show you exactly what she wants.

You can also place your hand around the base of your penis when she's riding you with two fingers on either side similar to Spock's hand. This allows her to grind against your knuckles.

Don't forget to use your finger and hands before and after penetration. If your fingers are inside her, you can use your thumb to stimulate your clitoris. For even more pressure, insert just your ring and middle finger with your pinky and index finger resting on either side of her labia. Bend your wrist up to stimulate her clitoris with the palm of your hand.

Become a Cunning Linguist

 

Although this wordplay might be a bit dated, the advice is always fresh. Oral sex is a great way to help your partner become turned on and experience an orgasm. To make sure she gets the most out of it, show enthusiasm and don't rush through it. Pay attention to her bodily cues to see what she responds to, and don't switch things up if orgasm is imminent.

Try a New Sex Position

 

Coital Alignment Technique, in which you move your body up so you can grind against her clitoris was designed by psychotherapist Edward Eichel precisely to give women more pleasure during sex.

Thigh Tide is a variation of Reverse Cowgirl where the woman is on top but facing away from her partner. If you're the partner on the bottom, lift one of your legs and bend your knee so that your foot is flat on the bed beneath you. As your partner rides you, she can grind against your thigh for clitoral stimulation.

Position pillows made from memory foam can change angles to provide more pleasure for both of you. Your partner may also enjoy grinding against them, and some pillows (such as those made by Liberator) even have pockets to insert a vibrator, which brings us to our next point.

Fill Your Toolbox

 

One of the most effective ways for a woman to have an orgasm is with the use of a sex toy. If you already know she finds it easier to orgasm with her vibrator, you can use that toy or even shop together for one that you use together. 

Many people start with a small bullet vibrator that's not intimidating, easy to use, and ideal for clitoral stimulation. However, bullet vibes are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to sex toys. You'll find there are toys that each of you can enjoy alone as well as those you can use together. Consider the following examples.

• The Magic Wand Original has been lauded for years as the “Cadillac” of sex toys by power queens
• Womanizer was the first to come out with a line of air pulsators that create suction around the clitoris, but many others have joined the game since then
• Try a G-spot vibrator with a curved head for internal stimulation
•  She can wear a couples vibrator such as the We-Vibe during sex, and you'll get to enjoy it, too
•  Put on a vibrating cock ring to stimulate her clitoris as you thrust

There are plenty of options to choose from, so don't think you need to try all of them or break the bank by going for a luxury toy. However, beware that not every sex toy works for everybody, and there is some trial and error involved.

Experimenting with these tricks can bring her closer to orgasm and the two of you closer together.

By: Adriana Ravenlust

Follow on Twitter @adriana_r

What to Do When You Hate Your New Sex Toy

There are few things are enjoyable as tearing open a package to reveal a new sex toy or rushing home after your trip to the local sex shop to try out your goodies. Except, sometimes the pleasure and orgasms you're expecting fail to appear, and you only experience disappointment. Sometimes you can even hate your new sex toy. What do you do then?

Try It Again

Perhaps you're stressed, feeling under the weather, or in part of your menstrual cycle when desire and/or pleasure are a bit harder to achieve. Plus, if you're simply getting used to a new sex toy, it might take a few tries for it to feel normal. This can happen if you've never used a sex toy before or if you're accustomed to using sex toys in a certain way.

Use It In Different Ways

This piggybacks on the idea that you may have to use a toy a few times before you like it. Instead of just using it again, however, you need to experiment with the way you use it. Perhaps you're accustomed to using your hand to masturbate or you may have had a previous toy with a different shape, size, or vibration effect.

Not only should you use your toy differently than you're used to, but you might benefit if you use it differently from intended. For example, you might not love a toy for G-spot stimulation, but it might feel nice stimulating your clitoris or nipples externally – even if it was intended for internal play. You could find that a toy designed for couples work better solo or vice versa. As long as you keep safety in mind, there's no wrong way to use a sex toy.

Use Lube

If your sex toy feels a bit large or has a texture that's more grabby or sticky, lube can be a lifesaver. It makes penetration easier and more comfortable and can enable you to play with your toy longer. Some people don't realize that playing with toys or having sex shouldn't hurt. If it does, lube might be an easy fix.

There are a few different lube recipes. In general, water-based lube is compatible with all toys, but some silicone toys may not be compatible with silicone-based lubes. You can perform a spot test by applying a small amount of lube on the base of the toy and rubbing vigorously for a few minutes. If the toy becomes gummy or sticky, it's not compatible with that lube.

Discover more about lube.

Check Out The Toy's Material

Speaking of materials, what your toy is made of could be why you hate it. Some materials are lower quality and can lead to burning during or after play. This is especially true of porous materials such as latex, PVC, or sil-a-gel. Jelly toys can eventually start leaching chemicals, which makes them become misshapen or fuse to other toys. You may be to use a condom with a toy to make it more comfortable, but sometimes you just need to toss the offending toy and buy one made out of body-safe materials.

Remember, however, that just because a toy is made of high-quality materials doesn't mean you'll like it. Stainless steel is nonporous but it might be too heavy or rigid for some people. Others may not like a  toy that's slippery or can fall and break in the shower. Silicone can have a velvety texture that makes for a lot of drag.

Cut Your Losses

When you're experimenting with sex toys, you'll discover personal preferences that make a toy a bad match for you even if someone else might love it. Sometimes we simply have to eat the cost of discovery, which might be why you may want to hold off on a luxury toy until you know what you like better. However, nonporous toys can be sterilized and passed on to others who might enjoy them better.

 By: Adriana Ravenlust
Follow on Twitter @adriana_r

Why Does Sex Look So Fake In Media

When was the last time you saw sex seen in the movies that looked anything at all like real sex? Have you laughed or cringed or wondered why exactly sex looks that way and who are having sex like that? Perhaps you've felt disappointing or shame because the sexual experiences you've had don't match up with what you expect due to how sex is portrayed on screen. There's a reason why sex doesn't look realistic in media.

What Looks Good May Be Fake

First, remember that everything you see and hear on screen has to keep your interest. It doesn't need to look real as much as it needs to look interesting. So while your body can wind up contorted in ways that aren't exactly attractive when you actually have sex, you wouldn't see that in a steamy sex scene in a movie. The same goes for sounds, which may not always be so appetizing.

Movies and TV shows get away with this in part because sex scenes are short. At most, we see a few seconds of the action. It's a highlight reel. You can imagine that things such as consent, awkward position changes, and the application of lube are happening behind the scenes. But those things are boring, and viewers want to see the good stuff. At the very least, we've been trained to want to see those things and not the weird reality of sex.

But just because sex scenes may be short doesn't mean they don't involve a ton of production. Makeup, bodily enhancements, lingerie, specially-cut sheets and blankets, sexy lighting, and creative camera shots help to create all those steamy moments on film. That's not considering everything that's done after the initial filming including editing the visuals and adding music.

Of course, there isn't any sexy music playing when these scenes are being shot. There are, however, dozens of people watching actors in various states of undress as they attempt to simulate sex without making too much contact with another actor's body or revealing their own. Cameras, body parts, and blankets are arranged strategically to hide that actors are, in fact, not naked at all. Those simultaneous screaming orgasms are faked because that's what an actor does. No one has to rush to the bathroom to clean up dripping cum or fight over who sleeps in the wet spot on the bed because the scene has already ended. How can sex look real when it's imitation like any other thing we watch?

Shortcuts Save Time But Miss Details

Secondly, sex on the screen follows a script, and we're not just talking about the script that actors follow. There's a sexual script that people tend to follow on-screen and off. It goes a little something like this when we're talking about straight, cis-gendered folks: flirt, kiss, grope, remove some or all clothing, “foreplay,” penetration, man's orgasm.

These sexual scripts more often than not focus on penetration as the main course. Not only does this too often overlook a woman's sexual pleasure, but it suggests that a man's worth equates to the performance of his penis. Of course, the couple is always ready to go physically and mentally. It just wouldn't look good any other way.

To be fair, movies and shows frequently rely on shortcuts. We know that one character is the hero because they're wearing white and another is a villain because they're bedecked in dark colors. We expect that some things will appear a certain way because it helps us to understand what's going on. Our brains take shortcuts and fill in information all the time to be more efficient and to help make sense of the world. In some ways, it only makes sense that the media we create would do the same.

But seeing those same scripts repeated time and again if we're not occasionally reminded that this is just one way for sex to look and that every person can define sex individually can enforce a narrow depiction of sex. We can – and should – create our own scripts or feel free to ditch the script altogether. Sex can be much more varied than what appears in movies or on TV, which rarely shows couples of average appearance or disabled people enjoying sex.

Sexual scripts might be a bit more creative with other arrangements (two women, group sex, et cetera), but you might be surprised to realize how that sex walks the “straight” and narrow as well. We haven't even gotten into porn, in which sexual acts are often filmed from the (straight) man's point of view. POV porn is a popular segment of the porn market, perhaps because so much content caters to men, what they want to see, and how they see the world.

Question The Media You Consume

The problem is many of us accept what we see and don't think twice about it. This might not seem like a big deal, but questioning these portrayals of sex can be enlightening and healthy. We're not taught to analyze the media we consume to determine if it's realistic or complete. If we don't make a point to examine media, however, we might not realize there's a disconnect between the big screen and real life.

TV shows and porn fill in the gaps when there's a lack of quality sex education. However, this media doesn't paint the full picture. We might accept that sex should look and sound like what's in the movies and wonder what's wrong with us if that's not what we like to do with our partners in bed when, in reality, there's nothing at all wrong with our wants and desires. Real sex simply doesn't get any screen time.

Of course, it's not all bad. Slowly but surely, audiences have been able to see a wider variety of bodies and abilities. It's more common to see sex occurring between same-sex couples and bisexual characters exploring their sexuality on screen. Trans characters have appeared in more than a few TV shows. Writers make a point to show consent and negotiation before any clothes come off. Sexual activity isn't quite as routine, and there are nods given to a woman's pleasure, which often requires clitoral stimulation and not just penetration.

Change is happening, albeit slowly. Every time a viewer sees a character with whom they can identify, whether it's because of appearance, sexual orientation, or something else, or characters having sex that actually includes the activities they enjoy, they feel validated and normal. And every time we can gaze at the screen and see the awkwardness that sometimes accompanies sex, we are reminded that sex isn't picture perfect, but it doesn't have to be. It's okay when things don't go as planned. It's all part of the experience and that experience cannot be accurately portrayed in a few minutes of film.

By: Adriana Ravenlust

Follow on Twitter @adriana_r